I've been thinking lately; banging my head against an old chestnut that I never can quite crack. There is something fundamentally wrong in my life, and I'm not sure how to fix it. As for the problem, well, that's easy: I'm not happy. I'm just generally not happy. Several times I've been told that I'm "depressed," but that isn't quite it. I'm just unhappy.

In my less philosophical moments, I'm inclined to blame other people for that. But I know that's not right - I'm not anybody's "victim." If I'm unhappy, well, that's my own fault, and my own responsibility.

At work today, I was confronted by a customer who wanted to test out a pen owned by the store on a notebook owned by the store. I informed him that he couldn't write on the notebook, as it wasn't his. He snarled at me and did it anyway, so I reprimanded him (using stronger language than I can post on this forum). He demanded to speak with the manager, who apologized to him and made fairly plain that I was wrong. The manager then told me later, privately, that I was right, but that we have to let the customers have their way.

This species of doublethink is leprous. I don't at all blame the manager for anything - he was just doing his job, and far be it from me to hold that against him. What I don't understand is this: clearly, the people who run the company know that it is not in their best interests to allow the customers to vandalize, deface, or otherwise damage the merchandise. Clearly, also, if you are dealing with someone else's property, and the owner or executor of that property asks you not to do a certain thing with it, it is out of line, unethical, and, in fact, illegal to do said thing. Yet, we make policies to encourage people to do exactly that - to apologize when they are chastized for destroying our property and breaking the law. Puzzling.

This (and the information that my company takes this ludicrous policy so seriously that I may well lose my job over this) was what I was thinking about this evening, and it lead me to the conclusion that society, as a whole, is self-absorbed and diseased. I thought that the reason I was so unhappy was because I solidly dislike being a part of a society so directed, and because I dread having to associate with such people for the remainder of my life.

This was a false conclusion. Society is not to blame for my unhappiness, clearly, and by believing such I am falling for the classic trap of the eirôn - asserting that I am better than everyone else, while at the same time establishing by that very assertion that I am no different. A trap of that simple calibre I think I'll not fall for today.

But, at the same time, I *know* that I am better than these people, at least in some respects. For example, I am better than the afforementioned customer in that if someone asks me not to write on something of his, I don't. Therefore, I am more polite. Of course, there may well be some respects in which he is better than I - I don't know of any offhand, but that doesn't mean that they don't exist.

This leads to my first hypothesis: that what is bothering me is this very dichotomy that exists between "me" and "them." The world of "me" consists not only of me, but also of several other people; including, now that I think about it, every person I call a "friend." There is probably something to that. The world of "them," on the other hand, consists of people I don't understand - people whose motives, goals, and attitudes are totally inexplicable to me. People who would write on a notebook that they haven't purchased after the clerk expressly asks them not to. People who would ask the same question repeatedly because they think maybe on repetition they'd get the answer they wanted. People who do not seem descended from the strain that ate from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

And then it hits me. Or, rather, *now* - just now, as I'm writing this. These people *don't* know good from evil, right from wrong. I mean, in an abstract, exaggerated case, they could probably tell you, but in terms of their daily lives and actions, they don't know. And they don't *want* to know - they really don't care one way or another. And things are easier that way. They don't worry about the effects of their actions upon other people. They don't consider whether or not it's right ot do things, they just do them. And they're content with that.

What bother me then, I must think, is that I know I'm on a harder path than that. To me, and to the people in the "me" group (insofar as I can tell, anyhow), it *does* matter what my actions do to other people, and it *does* matter whether or not something is right or wrong. No, we may not always know in every situation what is right or wrong, but we try. And we care. And it's harder that way. We don't do what we want in every situation, and we don't always insist upon getting our own way. And it is difficult to keep up such a vigil in the face of so many who don't so much as care. It's saddening, and, while I don't think that's all of what I'm unhappy about, I do think it's part of it. I'm just plain *tired,* really, as one is apt to be following hard work.

Sorry to chew up so much time of the reader's (if anyone read this mess ;-}) and so much disk space of Sam's with what must seem like very trivial yammering. But I just needed to get that off my chest, to talk for a little while. If anyone has any insights, I'd like to hear them. If nobody read this far, hey, I'll survive that anyway. ;-}

Dar "lest he put forth his hand and take also of the tree of life..." ien