I'm sorry for dropping something like this in a place I've only frequented for a few months, but I have a problem and I don't know what to begin to do about it. While I can't tell how long it has been happening (for all I know, I was born with it), I only really noticed it a year or two ago, during a fairly serious bout of depression. It was sometime during that period was when I considered suicide. No attempt or anything, but it still makes me sick to think about it now. What disturbs me the most is that I had, and have, no real cause for depression, especially to that drastic degree. While I snapped out of that depression on my own, it has repeated periodically since then, though I've been able to control it to a greater extent.

Until this year, that is. Several months ago it seemed to come back with a vengeance, reaching the point were I could barely get through the day by routine alone and minimal communication. Every decision, even picking what to eat, took forever to make. Not that I ate too much, missing meals for couple days until either hunger broke me or that particular bout faded (which was much more common, as I can be unusually stubborn). I would keep myself awake at night counting my faults (whether real or imagined), and contemplate self-injury.

Even more recently, the last few weeks, I've noticed an increase in intensity of these feelings, a decrease in the length of "normal" periods, and the appearance of a new, more hyper, state. During these times I would almost become the opposite of my depressed self. I'd be overjoyed for no reason at all, laugh and crack jokes constantly, and have a nearly delusional inflated self-image. This could become a problem as I would usually put little though into what I said or did, either embarrassing myself (after I snapped out of it) or insulting others. Being kept awake until 3:00 AM by a stream of thoughts isn't very pleasant, either. Reading what I wrote those nights is like reading the writing of a stranger. If, when doing something I've set my mind to, I feel like something is blocking me, I can become upset. I've hollered and struck at inanimate objects, as well as myself, in rages over something as trivial as homework.

To make a long story shorter, my life has become unpredictable. What I do or how I react to something swings wildly depending on which mood I'm in. And, despite my hopes, it doesn't seem to be getting better on its own. It seems to be getting worse. It's becoming more difficult to realize and judge my own behavior during these periods, and when I'm in them, I often cannot remember what it was like to think in one of the other states, and do not wish to. When I can, I become afraid of what will happen, especially if something truly bad happens during a depression. Aside for times when I've feared for my family, I cannot remember a scarier feeling than that of not being able to trust your own mind. I know, however, that this isn't as serious as many other problems others have. I can at least act as if nothing is wrong when around other people, and function well doing almost anything. At least now, whatever's wrong seems only visable to me. I worry about if and when this will no longer be the case. Or when I can no longer tell that I have a problem. I'm still struggling figure that out myself, really.

Once again, I'm sorry for posting such a heavy topic. I've only been around here for a few months, and have been mostly a burden and an annoyance rather than the good guy I want to be.

Anonymous