Wow, sorry it's taken me so long to respond to this thread. A lot of people have responded with their views, and I'm grateful. This kind of thing is exactly what I needed.

> I can't "defend my faith against you" without knowing what threatens yours. Are you angry at God over something? Are you frustrated at how he has chosen to reveal himself in the world? The old cliche, that this life is a test of faith, is quite true: God asks us to trust him wholly and completely no matter what the circumstances. Do you trust in the righteousness of God even if bad things happen in this present life? Do you trust in the power of God even if Christians seem to be losing a war of oppression? Do you trust in the sovereignty of God even if misguided or fake Christians do evil things in his name? Do you trust in the truth of God, even if worldly reasoning casts doubt on his precepts? And so on, and so on, and so on.
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I'm not necessarily angry at God. It's just that I've stopped believing that He exists. How can you be angry at something or Someone that isn't there? So, I suppose the answer to all the subsequent questions in that paragraph would be "no."

> You say you've been swayed by friends of yours. Clearly now, by this post, you have a need of some kind to hear again from the "other side," so to speak. My advice would be to seek out a pastor or a Christian youth group in school or something and talk about what you've got going on. Asking these kinds of questions here is not a bad thing, but you're going to get a thousand different opinions and not necessarily understand where they're all coming from in order to evaluate them in the context of their sources. Plus it helps to get to talking to somebody where you can have a real-time conversation. Communication is so much more than words, and trying to conduct a discussion about these sorts of things here is just not going to be as effective. What you're seeking, it sounds to me, is someone whose faith you can see and sense when he talks about it, someone who lives by the things you doubt. It's so much more difficult to get that from someone talking to you in typed letters alone.
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You're right, in that I probably should talk face-to-face with someone who is "spiritually mature." However, anyone I know who can have that kind of conversation with me thinks that I'm already a devout Christian, and I know that they would be devastated if they found out that I had "lost my way."

I understand completely why you would say that either I'm still a Christian or I never was. However, I disagree. At its very core, Christianity boils down to a set of beliefs. If I'm a Christian, I believe that God created everything and sent his Son to sacrifice his life to save us from our sins. If I believe that, then leading a Christian lifestyle follows naturally, out of love and gratitude for my Savior. Indeed, a few years ago, I did believe these things, and I did lead a Christian lifestyle accordingly. I was genuinely amazed at how wonderful God was, and touched that He would send Jesus to die for me.

But people's beliefs change all the time. A few centuries ago, the greatest minds in the world believed that the sun revolved around the Earth, but Copernicus came along. A few decades ago, Americans believed that we were immune from the sort of terrorism we saw around the world, but on September 11, 2001, that sense of security vanished. A few years ago, I firmly believed that I wanted to be a singer as a career, but now I realize that a career in biomedical engineering would be much more secure. A few months ago, I believed that Baroque art would never be of interest of me, but I took a field studies trip to Italy, where I fell in love with the sculpture of Gianlorenzo Bernini. As we gain new information about the world around us, and as new events unfold in our lives that tell us about ourselves, our beliefs tend to change accordingly. There is no difference between these beliefs and beliefs concerning the existence of God, except perhaps that what Christians believe is so wonderful and extraordinary that they want to continue believing it. But as I learned more and more about science, morality, human nature, etc., every teaching about God I had ever heard began to fit less and less in my mind, and secular viewpoints and explanations began to make more and more sense to me.

If I had to choose either still being a Christian or never having been a Christian to describe my position, I would have to say that I never was a Christian, because I really don't consider myself a Christian. I certainly have no intentions of reclaiming my faith.

In another post, you said that either the Holy Spirit dwells in me or it does not. Now, I obviously don't agree with that, as I don't believe in the Holy Spirit any more than I believe in God. However, from a Christian point of view, is it not possible that the Holy Spirit once dwelled in me, but that it has been forced out by all the worldly things that I've been taking in, and I have thus lost my salvation? It seems as if that is how most Christians would interpret my situation.

I hope I haven't offended anyone in this post. To be honest, I think it is difficult for any nonbeliever to explaing why he or she is a nonbeliever to a believer without sounding offensive to some degree.
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> Hope this helps.

You bet it has.

knivetsil