> What are the absolute best jokes you've ever heard, ever?

(You're going to regret asking this, dear ;-})

Hmm... a lot of my best stuff is in Really Bad Jokes nowadays, but let me see... there's a pair of short story-jokes I'm very fond of:

"Once upon a time there was a worm who worked in a compost pile. He was very ambitious and he wanted to get to the top of the heap, so one morning he started work a half-hour early. But when he did this, all the grubs and beetles jeered at him and made rude noises, which only goes to prove the old adage, the early worm gets the bird."

"Three men were fishing in the Gulf of Mexico when one of them pulled in a huge fish. But, as soon as it was in the boat, the fish shook the hook out of its mouth and changed into an angry, bearded man wearing a crown and brandishing a three-pronged spear.
"'Who are you, sir?' quavered one of the fishermen
"'I am Neptune, god of the sea, and I am going to put a curse on you! Before you get home, your boat will spring a dozen leaks - nay, make that a dozen and a half for good measure!'
"With a nasty laugh Neptune jumped over the side of the boat and disappeared. The fishermens' boat got so many holes in it they had to swim to shore, and from that day to this they have not forgotten Neptune's eighteen-hole Gulf curse."

Then there's my favourite mean joke:
Q: Why did Helen Keller's dog commit suicide?
A: You would too if your name was "uuuuhhhhnnnnnaaaa." (This joke really has to be told, not printed.)