It occurred to me today that the size of an object is directly related to how cool it is. Mostly this applies to technological devices, but probably there are lots of other things whose design would benefit from this theory.

My theory is that you can make something instantly cooler by making it *either* much, much smaller, or much, much bigger. Normal sized things are just things. For example, a pair of binoculars is neutral on the coolness scale. But miniature binoculars which fold up small enough to keep in your wallet would be *phenomenally* cool. And so would binoculars that were so big and powerful they had to be carried around mounted on an armoured truck.

If you think of any kind of gadget, mechanism or device AT ALL, is there *anything* which wouldn't become amazingly cool if it was either tiny or twenty thousand times bigger and more powerful? Of course not.

If it could be produced in matte black with a tiny flashing green LED as well, hey, that's even better. If not, camouflage would do.

Applying this rule to everything would make our society much cooler as a whole. For example, forum posts should be either a few words long, or 10,000 words of detailed exposition using multi-syllabic vocab and complex clauses. People should be shaped like either Ally McBeal or Arnold Schwarzenegger, and the only haircut choices should be buzzcut or Ayako. The Theory of Size explains all sorts of things, like the Japanese economic miracle: it's because they themselves only come in two sizes, Extra Small or Sumo.

This site has already explained why making something smaller makes it more romantic, and if you consider that it's cool to be romantic, that's more evidence right there. The Unified Theory of Size, Coolness and Romance goes further, to state that in some cases, the BIGGER things are, the better it is for romance. Apart from the obvious, I mean. We're talking about bunches of flowers and boxes of chocolate here, you pervert.

This theory also explains why, at the *very same time*, huge sectors of the advertising industry are devoted to contradictorily telling us we should be much thinner AND much more built. And why the best and coolest versions of movies are either the extended director's cut with outtakes, or Movie-A-Minute. And why they started making candy bars in tiny little miniature sizes AND in versions that need their own postal code, and why both of these are better than the normal sized ones.

So, there you have it. Any other time you need ultimate truths of the universe revealed, you know who to ask.

Brunnen-"I'll be at home admiring my collection of Soviet army surplus spy gadgetry"G