Well, I'm back, and a bit early at that. It's a fairly long story that explains why I'm back early, so I'd better get right into it.

Leen, Lady and I left our house Tuesday evening and headed north. Well, actually more like west, as we first headed across the state to Concord to pick up Interstate 93. We do this even though to get to Lancaster it would be quicker to take Rt 16 directly north from our house to Gorham, then across Rt 2 to Lancaster. Don't ask why we take the long way, that's another story entirely.

We made it to Concord with Lady only peeing in her crate once, so we felt that was good progress. We stopped at Friendly's on north main street and had a late dinner and some ice cream. Lady only peed twice in her crate while we were eating dinner, and again we felt very fortunate.

From there we headed due north on 93 for about half an hour. We were somewhere around the Tilton exit when it happened. I was driving at 55 mph in the left hand lane, and suddenly this guy SHOOTS by us in the right hand lane and nearly runs us off the road pulling back into the left lane! The road was wide open, we were the only cars for miles.

Needless to say, I was more than a little ticked off at this point. I was even MORE ticked when I saw that the guy had Quebec licence plates on his car.

I'm not sure exactly what happened at that point. I think the technical term for it is "snapping". I slammed my foot to the floor and our car jumped ahead, slamming into the rear of the stupid guy's car. Both of our cars swerved almost out of control after the jolt, but both of us regained control quickly. He was a little quicker than I was, though, and he sped off as I was fighting the wheel trying to keep our car on the road.

Leen started screaming at me then, but I can't remember what she was saying, as I was focused on that stupid "Je me souviens" on the retard's licence plate. What the heck does that mean, anyway? Sounds like "I smile at myself" or something. Stupid frenchies.

Lady was peeing rapidly in the back seat as I jammed my foot to the floor again and shot ahead into the gathering night to catch up to the guy. He was doing about 80 (MILES PER HOUR, not KILOMETERS FRENCHIE!) when I finally caught him; lucky for me our car is really fast.

I rammed him again, and at 80 MPH it was quite a feat to keep the car on the road at that point. I managed it, though, owing to the fact that I'm such an observant driver. He managed it too, but with much more difficulty. He was just getting control back when I rammed him again. This time, the contact was a little off-center, with my front bumper catching the extreme rear of the driver's side of his car.

This sent his car into an 80 MPH spin. Unfortunately, his car spun back around and crashed into ours, which in turn sent US spinning around and around and around until Lady puked in her crate.

The other guy's car rocketed off the road and smashed headlong into a tree. Lucky for us, we were in a perfect position (backwards in the middle of the road) to see the guy's car explode. It was beautiful! All the reds and oranges mixed with some weird greens from what I guess was the burning paint on his car or something. Or maybe it was his SLIME FILLED BRAIN that was burning! HA HA HA!

I pulled the car around and started back up north, but I guess one of the times I rammed the guy I must have punctured the radiator, because the car overheated and stalled just a few miles later.

As soon as the car stopped, Leen got out and immediately ran away into the woods screaming. I, however, calmly took Lady out of the backseat and cleaned her off while she peed all over me.

The cops came by soon after that. I don't know if they were just patrolling or if Leen ratted me out, but they didn't even ask if I needed help, they just threw me against the car and handcuffed me.

So anyway, I was just released on bail and had to walk home because they won't let me drive anymore. Leen wasn't here and neither was Lady--I think they're probably still over in Tilton living as cave women or something.

The judge said I'd be lucky to just get a few years. They wanted to give me a chair, but I told them Leen already had one of those dumb papasan chairs, we didn't need any others.

And if you haven't figured it out yet, this isn't Sam at all, it's Dave having some fun. I'd love to hear at what point you, the reader, figured out this was all a silly joke.