> Well, I'm back, and a bit early at that. It's
>a fairly long story that explains why I'm back
>early, so I'd better get right into it.
>
> Leen, Lady and I left our house Tuesday evening
>and headed north. Well, actually more like
>west, as we first headed across the state to
>Concord to pick up Interstate 93. We do this
>even though to get to Lancaster it would be
>quicker to take Rt 16 directly north from our
>house to Gorham, then across Rt 2 to Lancaster.
>Don't ask why we take the long way, that's
>another story entirely.

Here's the first point that would have tipped off any person who really knew Sam well that this wasn't Sam. Sam SWEARS the Rt 4 to I93 route is the quicker way. I still think the Rt. 16 to Rt. 2 route *ought* to be quicker, but since he and his family have purportedly tried both and found the former to be quicker, I have to concede he's probably right. But I still like to rag on him, whether he's right or not. Hence, this is actually a not-so-subtle jab at Sam from yours truly.

>
> We made it to Concord with Lady only peeing in
>her crate once, so we felt that was good
>progress. We stopped at Friendly's on north
>main street and had a late dinner and some ice
>cream. Lady only peed twice in her crate while
>we were eating dinner, and again we felt very
>fortunate.

Here's the second clue. Sam and Leen *hate* Friendly's. They'd NEVER stop there for dinner, even if it was the last place to eat.


>
> From there we headed due north on 93 for about
>half an hour. We were somewhere around the
>Tilton exit when it happened. I was driving at
>55 mph in the left hand lane, and suddenly this
>guy SHOOTS by us in the right hand lane and
>nearly runs us off the road pulling back into
>the left lane! The road was wide open, we were
>the only cars for miles.
>
> Needless to say, I was more than a little
>ticked off at this point. I was even MORE
>ticked when I saw that the guy had Quebec
>licence plates on his car.
>
> I'm not sure exactly what happened at that
>point. I think the technical term for it is
>"snapping". I slammed my foot to the floor and
>our car jumped ahead, slamming into the rear of
>the stupid guy's car. Both of our cars swerved
>almost out of control after the jolt, but both
>of us regained control quickly. He was a little
>quicker than I was, though, and he sped off as I
>was fighting the wheel trying to keep our car on
>the road.
>
> Leen started screaming at me then, but I can't
>remember what she was saying, as I was focused
>on that stupid "Je me souviens" on the retard's
>licence plate. What the heck does that mean,
>anyway? Sounds like "I smile at myself" or
>something. Stupid frenchies.

This is a ludicrously obscure reference to what I *used* to think the Quebec licence plate said. I took two years of High School French, and this was the best I could do. :-)


>
> Lady was peeing rapidly in the back seat as I
>jammed my foot to the floor again and shot ahead
>into the gathering night to catch up to the
>guy. He was doing about 80 (MILES PER HOUR, not
>KILOMETERS FRENCHIE!) when I finally caught him;
>lucky for me our car is really fast.

This would give it away in a heartbeat if you knew what Sam and Leen drove for a car. If I had said "truck", that might have been a different story, though.

>
> I rammed him again, and at 80 MPH it was quite
>a feat to keep the car on the road at that
>point. I managed it, though, owing to the fact
>that I'm such an observant driver. He managed

Sam is many things, but "observant driver" isn't one of them. This was another subtle dig at Sam.

>it too, but with much more difficulty. He was
>just getting control back when I rammed him
>again. This time, the contact was a little off-
>center, with my front bumper catching the
>extreme rear of the driver's side of his car.

>
> This sent his car into an 80 MPH spin.
>Unfortunately, his car spun back around and
>crashed into ours, which in turn sent US
>spinning around and around and around until Lady
>puked in her crate.
>
> The other guy's car rocketed off the road and
>smashed headlong into a tree. Lucky for us, we
>were in a perfect position (backwards in the
>middle of the road) to see the guy's car
>explode. It was beautiful! All the reds and
>oranges mixed with some weird greens from what I
>guess was the burning paint on his car or
>something. Or maybe it was his SLIME FILLED
>BRAIN that was burning! HA HA HA!
>
> I pulled the car around and started back up
>north, but I guess one of the times I rammed the
>guy I must have punctured the radiator, because
>the car overheated and stalled just a few miles
>later.
>
> As soon as the car stopped, Leen got out and
>immediately ran away into the woods screaming.
>I, however, calmly took Lady out of the backseat
>and cleaned her off while she peed all over me.

Caring more about his dog than his wife. A Sam trait or not? You be the judge.

>
> The cops came by soon after that. I don't know
>if they were just patrolling or if Leen ratted
>me out, but they didn't even ask if I needed
>help, they just threw me against the car and
>handcuffed me.
>
> So anyway, I was just released on bail and had
>to walk home because they won't let me drive
>anymore. Leen wasn't here and neither was Lady--
>I think they're probably still over in Tilton
>living as cave women or something.
>
> The judge said I'd be lucky to just get a few
>years. They wanted to give me a chair, but I
>told them Leen already had one of those dumb
>papasan chairs, we didn't need any others.

I'm the one who hates papasan chairs, not Sam.

>
> And if you haven't figured it out yet, this
>isn't Sam at all, it's Dave having some fun.
>I'd love to hear at what point you, the reader,
>figured out this was all a silly joke.
>

And finally, this one was pretty much a dead giveaway.

-- Dave