Alright, alright, I'll admit it. When I was a little kid, I watched the
Dukes of Hazzard. Bo and Luke (I'll forego talking about Coy and
Vance, because they were imposters) were moonshiners of
course, and the very epitome of Hick, but they were at least cool
about it. They unconcernedly abused their car (the General Lee)
in every way imaginable, and it still ran perfectly. Enis, Roscoe P.
Coltrain and Boss Hogg (that's Jefferson Davis Hogg, to you)
were the bad guys, even though they were technically trying to
do the right thing, and the Duke boys were... you know... not.

Roscoe would chase after the Duke boys at some point, and the
Duke boys would take their car up into a jump, usually with their
distinctive car horn honking (my mom's uncle George had the
same horn sound on his van a LONG time ago, and me and my
sister got a kick out of it), and their signature cry of YEEHAW!
Roscoe (or Enis, but usually Roscoe) would try to emulate them,
but would end up crashing the car with, amazingly enough, no
injuries to them, and the next time, they had themselves a brand
new car.

Boss Hogg, in the meantime would be chowing down on chicken
legs, or ribs, or someother deep fried food and mopping his
bald head with a greasy handkerchief, while his prodigious gut
hung over his belt. He had a huge long white car with longhorns
on the hood.

At some point, Roscoe would give his signature laugh of (and I'm
only going phonetic on the spelling, so bear with) "cuh-juh-juh,"
and we'd all laugh. Bo and Luke would say something inane like
"Me and Bo's on probation," and Daisy Duke would serve them
all a drink, while Uncle Jesse served up some downhome advice
(and also with a prodigious gut.

The Dukes of Hazzard movie, which is coming up in a few
months here, is an atrocious remake of everything that was (at
least slightly) wholesome about the show.

I had a little trouble with the casting of Seann William Scott and
Johnny "Let's stick needles in our eyes for laughs" Knoxville, as
Bo and Luke, respectively, but I figured if done right, they could
pull it off. I was less thrilled with the Jessica Simpson as Daisy,
cause I knew exactly where that was going, and may Heaven
help us all, I was right.

Daisy has been reduced to the eye candy of the movie. Every
single time she appeared in the trailer, it was in some sort of
sexual connotation, or with an innuendo cropping up, which is
not what Daisy was about. Daisy wore short shorts, of course
(what became known, because of her, as "Daisy Dukes"), but that
was just the style for the place and time. It wasn't anything
sexual, and Daisy never, EVER seduced Enis while wearing a low
cut bikini. She and Enis were a couple, very much in love with
each other.

The Duke boys never invaded a sorority, and would have averted
their eyes if they had come upon a room of half-naked girls,
cause that was the kind of moonshiners they were. Uncle Jesse
taught them well.

Burt Reynolds does NOT work as Boss Hogg. Someone tall and
thin can't be Boss Hogg. It doesn't work. Boss Hogg, has to fit
his name. He has to be Short and Fat, like a.... you know... Hog.

Joe Don Baker as Roscoe P. Coltrain? NO NO NO NO NO WRONG
WRONG WRONG. I don't want to see the actor who should have
been Boss Hogg playing Roscoe, especially, ESPECIALLY when
he's hitting on Daisy, who's hitting on him back. It is NOT right.
especially something as bad as the line "well, I think something
bounced up into my undercarriage," coming from Daisy, flashing
a seductive smile at Roscoe. None of the Dukes got along with
Roscoe, cause Roscoe was an idiot. They tolerated Enis, cause
even though he was also an idiot, he was a sweet idiot, and
Daisy liked him.

Willie Nelson as Uncle Jesse? Don't even get me started.

While we're on the subject, the Duke Boys NEVER used weapons.
I can't recall one instance when they fired a gun, used a knife,
poisoned someone, beat them with sticks, or shot arrows at
them. The duke boys used their fists, and they ALWAYS won,
especially against the third party bad guys du jour. The rest of
the time, they just used their car to outrace, outwit, and straight
up outdrive outmaneuver and outthink everyone else (they were
moonshiners and they were hicks, but they could drive like no
one's business, and they didn't drive a bloody truck, which is a
whole other rant for a whole other time).

In the space of the two minute trailer, they used an explosive
arrow (which blew up a police car- the real Duke Boys would
never have done that), wrecked several dozen cars, and Uncle
Jesse- UNCLE JESSE- who was the calming influence in their lives
throws a bloody MOLOTOV COCKTAIL. I doubt that Uncle Jesse-
the real Uncle Jesse- would know what a molotov cocktail is.

Also, we don't need to see Uncle Jesse making sexual innuendos
about Muffins with some old woman who we don't know who it
is.

Just from what I've seen of the trailer, we have all sorts of
digressions from the heart of what the Dukes of Hazzard- a
lighthearted rural fantasy that shows that even though the cops
may be doing the right thing, the DUke boys really aren't that
bad. They're actually quite good guys, who have a thing about
making their own alcoholic beverage, and resisting arrest (and
really, if Roscoe and Boss Hogg were serious about their jobs,
they'd just lie in wait for them at the Duke house, cause they
know where it is- through Enis of course.)

The movie looks like it's going to be an extreme perversion of
the show, and I for one will probably not see it (but if I do, it will
be free, cause I refuse to give money to them for the privilege).

This concludes the rant portion of our programme. Have a
GREAT day!