I hate posting my self-pity nonsense here. I hate subjecting you people to this. But right now, I just don't know where else to go.

Last night, Amanda told me that part of my problem is that I don't get angry enough. There was a lot of other conversation, and I had been pressuring her to find faults with me and tell me what they are because I couldn't accept that she could think I am wonderful and deserve the best and that she would still dump me. She was not doing anything awful to me, just trying to give me what I was asking for.

I used to have a problem with anger. In elementary school, I beat up some of my best friends. I even left a scar on one of their necks from the choking I gave him. In junior high, I got suspended for a fight that I didn't start, but that I did finish. After that I said "No more". I stopped letting myself get angry. I started finding other outlets. Mostly, I just channeled my anger inward until I hated myself. But I would not let myself get angry at others. I have only lost control of my temper maybe twice in the last ten years, both minor, until today.

I wrote a few emails to Amanda. I swore. (I never swear anymore). I described to her all the things my anger made me want to do. I asked her what else she wanted me to throw away-- My dignity, my job, my faith... I said all these things in a horrible way. And then, after I sent the message, I realized what I had just said, to someone I loved, someone I still love, someone I want to be with more than anything. I have made a commitment to her that I can't break. We talked about that last night, and she told me it's already been broken, when she broke up with me, but that just means she broke her commitment to me, not the other way around.

Last night, we talked about how I am always sad, how I seek sympathy from others. She was right. I wallow in self-pity and try to manipulate others into feeling sorry for me, then revel in the attention it brings me. I have been doing that here, at RinkWorks. I might be doing that right now.

I don't even know where I'm going with this. I just needed to talk, to let some of this out. I don't know what I'm going to do now... I can't commit suicide. I have talked here before about the reasons why I know that is not an answer. Please don't be afraid for my life. I am going to keep on living, but I don't know what my life will be like... I have lost the things that I looked forward to. My job is not an end, but a means. What I looked forward to was my life with Amanda. Now she doesn't want that life with me. She says that she wanted her freedom, that she wanted to be without commitments. I understand that, a little bit-- She hasn't been single for more than two weeks since she was sixteen, including the week since she broke up with me. But she had indicated to me that she wanted that commitment. Maybe a month, or a month and a half ago, I was having some troubles, and I asked her where our relationship was going, and what I gave her, what she got from me. (She has brought so many things into my life, and I felt that I had given her nothing.) She told me that I brought her two things: My family, who loved her and she loved back, and stability. She said she loved me because I was a firm rock on which she could stand. Now she feels like that rock is tied to a chain around her neck, dragging her down... So she cut the chain. (My words, her idea.)

I know I've gone all over the place in this post. I know there isn't one solid thought to be followed through. I think that's because I don't have any stable thoughts in my head. I am in great turmoil. I feel like a teenager in the throws of angst (no offence to those who are teenagers here). I don't know what I want from life anymore, and I'm not motivated to do anything...

The worst thing for me now is the parallel I see between me and her last boyfriend. I am doing the same things he did, asking the same things of her, and I remember how much they ended up hating each other. I think he still hates me... He was at my house last night, and wouldn't even LOOK at me... I made a commitment to her that I will not and can not break, and now I have to try to deal with the fact that she will be with other men, that she will possibly even disappear from my life forever. She tells me that I will get over her, that I will find someone else, that I will be happy with someone else, and I can understand that line of reasoning-- I am in pain, I was surprised to lose her, and I don't want to let go. The problem is, I am not like other people. She doesn't understand the commitment I have made to her and what it means to me. I wonder if anyone does...

I think I have rambled for long enough. I don't even know how possible it is for people to respond to this with the "right" answers. I don't even know if there are any "right" answers. I'm not even sure if I should be posting this.

I don't know.

Don