> I used to have a problem with anger. In elementary school, I beat up some of my best friends. I even left a scar on one of their necks from the choking I gave him. In junior high, I got suspended for a fight that I didn't start, but that I did finish. After that I said "No more". I stopped letting myself get angry. I started finding other outlets. Mostly, I just channeled my anger inward until I hated myself. But I would not let myself get angry at others. I have only lost control of my temper maybe twice in the last ten years, both minor, until today.

Two things. First, I have to admire you for your victory over your anger. I have a problem with anger. From the sounds of it, my problem with it is not as bad as yours was; however, I have yet to master it. That you have been largely successful at it is an inspiration to me.

Second, the complaint that you don't get angry enough from an ex-girlfriend whom you pressured into finding fault with you is not something you should put a lot of stock in. "Not getting angry enough" is a dubious criticism at best, and it's one I would be reluctant to put stock in even if it came from a current girlfriend.

> I have made a commitment to her that I can't break. We talked about that last night, and she told me it's already been broken, when she broke up with me, but that just means she broke her commitment to me, not the other way around.

I've encountered this way of thinking before, but I've never felt this tug personally, so while I comment on this confidently, it may be with less than persuasive authority. I don't think it's a good idea to hold on to this commitment you have made to her. When painful break-ups happen like this, very often the "pull" is to keep things close. The biggest tie between you is severed, but our natural inclination is to keep as many of the little ones as we can. I think this is a dangerous tendency, and when you find yourself struggling to keep such a tie, it's a good idea to sit back and try to think rationally about what your goal is in doing so. You made a commitment to her. Good. She broke up with you, thereby absolving you of that commitment. There is no inherent honor in insisting on its maintenance. In fact, remaining steadfastly committed like this to someone whom you must figure out how to be friends or less with in order to regain a healthy relationship is most likely counter-productive to your mutual recovery. Better that you break apart too far now and maybe mend a friendship later than cling too close.

> Last night, we talked about how I am always sad, how I seek sympathy from others. She was right. I wallow in self-pity and try to manipulate others into feeling sorry for me, then revel in the attention it brings me.

That's an erroneously downcast interpretation of your actions, I believe. Actually I commend you for being able to open up to those you recognize as trustworthy friends. That's a step in the right direction, not the wrong one. I definitely identify with the feeling that you're "wallowing" in "self-pity" by doing so, but -- at least when I am tempted to feel this way -- I find these feelings come out of a blow to one's pride. Opening up to others for support means acknowledging to yourself that you can't cut it alone. That's the way it is with me, anyway -- maybe with you it's different. Men tend to have a greater problem with this than women do, too. Men tend to have less of a problem asking for help, but more of a problem asking if they're in such need that they aren't able to formulate which questions to ask, and that seems to be where you are. Take heart. It doesn't mean you're helpless, just that you're human.

> I don't even know where I'm going with this. I just needed to talk, to let some of this out.

Good for you for doing it!

> ...I don't know what my life will be like... I have lost the things that I looked forward to.

Keep your security in God. Seldom do his plans for us mesh with ours. Sometimes we get ideas we think are good ones when they're not; sometimes we take over and steer our lives apart from God's will. I do. But God's will is sounder and with a more sure foundation, so it's never a bad idea to leave the question open to God and pray for his will in your life to be done. "Make me the person you want me to be, not the person I want me to be" is a common prayer of mine, and I wish I would be better at living according to that wish. Times like these, when we have lost all sense of where we are going, so that we have neither vision of God's plan nor of our own, are great opportunities to learn to build our faith and trust in God's plan for our lives.

You're on an admittedly rocky road to recovery, and, yes, there's light at the end of the tunnel that God is surely guiding you toward. It helps to remember that, but it also helps to remember that there is purpose is the journey itself that goes beyond getting your life back on track. I, in a different situation from yours but with a similar path of recovery, see now so many things that slogging through that recovery process did for me. Even things that deviate from God's plan God often turns around into something that merges back with it. God turned great blessings out of human mistakes a great many times in the Bible, and I firmly believe he does so with us today. In my own situation, I made a mistake that brought my suffering upon myself. (Sometimes it's somebody else's mistake that does that, or no apparent mistake at all; we live in an imperfect world.) Yet what I gained from the experience, from mistake to hurt to recovery, was one of the single most beneficial experiences -- for me spiritually, emotionally, even intellectually -- that I have ever undergone. I believe very strongly that one of the many blessings to come out of that experience was an increased ability to empathize with others going through similar situations. I think it is perhaps God's will for me to be able to do that so as to be able to help them out. I have no clue if I'm even remotely helping you out at all -- perhaps you can't even say that either -- but my success or failure doesn't impact the presence of the opportunity to try. I dare not imagine what good things God will make of your present situation, but I have every confidence that they will be great blessings indeed. Unfortunately you still have to do the slog through to a healthy recovery, but keeping that in mind might help your morale in the meantime.

Hang in there. We're pulling for you.