Sorry, this appears to be some sort of a rant to relieve major stress that has been developing over the course of first semester and is getting worse right before applications are due. You have been warned.

I've been really testy over applying to college lately as the deadlines come closer every day. I know, I know, it's just college, right? It's not supposed to matter so much. But right now, I'm working on my applications for eight (yes, eight) private colleges, and all I can think is: Holy something-that-shall-not-be-named. I don't know what I'm doing. What if I don't want to be an English major? What if I end up regretting my decision because, like everyone around me says, I really don't get enough income? What if - horror - I don't get into any private college and end up going to the University of California?

Yes, I know that the UCs aren't a bad choice. It's just that I don't want to go somewhere that will give me an experience almost exactly like high school. I want something more than that - I mean, I haven't even seen snow before. I want to remedy that in college.

The problem with all these applications is the essays, though. How did everyone else handle all that pressure to craft every word carefully so that you don't come across as too self-deprecating or too arrogant? It's a really fine line, and I'm constantly falling off of it. And I can't even seem to find my voice anymore. My friends have told me that they love Williams because it doesn't require a supplemental essay, and if they got in, they'd definitely go just because the admissions process was so smooth. At what point do colleges become so decisive that the impression of the school comes by the application itself and not the campus or the courses offered? And I do realize that it's the only way for colleges to get to know who we are, but isn't that what the common application is for?

The thing is, though, that because so many people are now applying to the Ivy League colleges, the Ivy Leagues have to lower their acceptance rate, which in turn lowers the acceptance rate of other private colleges that previously weren't as esteemed because the rejected students end up going there. It becomes a vicious cycle that just makes every year's acceptances harder to predict. I'm looking at the people who got accepted into Early Decision or Action, and many of them never worked for anything a day in their life. They were just naturally good at writing essays. And those who truly deserved a spot were straight-out rejected or, maybe worse, deferred. It just makes me uneasy because I don't believe I will get into any of the private colleges I'm applying to based on the ED acceptance results. And if I have no motivation, how can I make my essays sound as if I do?

Oh, yeah. And CollegeBoard, that supposedly not-for-profit organization that does charge for every SAT and AP test students take because colleges require them (well, the SATs, at least), also is very good at ruining nerves. I'm actually still waiting for my SAT I scores from December 2nd to come out, which is what sparked this whole post in the first place. Suffice it to say that I'm nervous because this final score will determine if I have a remote chance at getting into a college.

Oh, well. Just being able to get it all out has helped, though. So, now. Does anyone have any tips for essay-writing? I feel really bad when I read a question like "Why do you want to go to so-and-so college?" because, well, the answer's just about the same for every college. It's a good one, has good courses, good location, etc etc. But I don't think the admissions officers expect me to quote the school website back at them. What's originality and what's just plain out-of-bounds material? I'm still floundering around, still unsure of what to do with myself. At this rate, I might as well just go live in the forest and become a hermit.

Talking it out has been really nice, so thanks if you've read all the way to the end. If you haven't, it's still nice for me to have gotten (mostly) everything out. I think this may actually be my longest post on the message forums, too. Now, if only I can write this much for my essays...

Oh, and an early Merry Christmas for those of you who celebrate it. =)

~Crystal"If the rest of my life is going to be like this, I don't want it very much"109