So some of you know that when I made my reappearance in chat a few month ago, I was "taken" in a serious sort of way: pre-engaged-engaged, even. Joined at the hip. First and only boyfriend. Relationship of three years. et cetera, you get the picture.

Well, some of you also know that I was in Guatemala for a week-long mission trip in May. Worked at an orphanage. Wonderful experience. Had a blast. Can't wait to go back. et cetera, you get the picture.

Some of you also know (ok, this is getting repetitive... I'll stop now. :) ) -- that I am a Christian. I guess that kind of could be inferred from the mission trip deal, but you never know. Just wanted to clarify that, as the rest of my ramble won't make much logical sense otherwise. My beliefs on divine guidance in life are basically that, while God has a "plan" for our lives, it's not a point-A-to-point-B-to-point-N direct system: essentially, deviating from the straight line path isn't going to completely throw the "plan" off-kilter. Wouldn't be much of a divine plan if that COULD change things, now would it? In any case, what I mean is that I don't believe God intends us to go to x specific school, major in y specific major, and marry z specific person. He gives us certain talents to do certain things, and brings certain people into our lives for certain reasons, but there is no end-all solution to every single little issue. However, I DO believe that while there is no specific answer to every question, there are lessons and phases that we pass through for reasons. I've changed majors in college - big deal. I didn't screw up some divine plan in doing so, but I DID learn pesky little life lessons in the process. I wouldn't be where I am today without those lessons, I suppose.

Anyway... where am I going with this? Well, see the subject: I am now single. For the first time in three years. It was resolved in the best way possible, in that we both are "friends" (aside from the requisite residual awkwardness) and there was no fight that ended it all. It was the result of a mutual understanding between God, his idea of what we need to learn next, and our feelings about the relationship in general.

It was WEIRD - for lack of a better word. I fully think that Guatemala was what triggered the change for the both of us: if anything, we both were forced out of the daily American grind, and into a physical and mental place where "listening" instead of "telling" defined our individual relationships with God. At any rate, it took us about a week after returning to work up the courage to approach the other with, what turned out to be, the same topic. We spontaneously grew out of a period of "significant otherness" into "best friends". I do still care for the guy, and his is still the first number I would call if I needed a shoulder to cry on. Ditto, apparently, back. It's just... different. Neither of us sees any longer the other as a life-long match.

I guess where my beliefs stand in all this is that, no - dating the guy for three years wasn't "against the plan" -- neither is breaking up. It was a phase (a very LONG phase) of learning. I have changed. A lot. Enough to fill a thousand separate rambles. I have learned - a lot.

But it's still rough. I haven't cried yet, and technically I still feel emotionally numb. I've never broken up before. I don't know HOW I'm supposed to feel, or what I'm supposed to do. Life has suddenly become an awkward dance where at every turn there are virtual toes to be stepped on, words to be misspoken. My entire "adult" (defined as since-I-moved-out) life has been intertwined with this relationship. We shared friends, favorites, hobbies, everything. I feel like a lost puppy with autism. Don't know where I am, who I am, and dang well don't feel like being social.

Anyway. Enough. I just wanted to spill my guts, and see if anyone could give me some advice. I love you all, and thanks. For listening, for reading, for being there.

-Sa"missed RW rambles - they're cathartic."ra