It seems that every paper and magazine this month is printing astrological predictions for 2002. Since I don't believe in astrology and am entirely unqualified to predict anybody's year, especially my own, I take it upon myself to provide such a forecast for the denizens of the Rinkforum. I haven't provided the dates because I have no idea what dates go with what sign.

ARIES
You are entering a completely new phase of your life, but it will not become apparent except in hindsight forty years from now. June will be a favoured month in which to buy small electronic goods. Be careful around zoo animals from August onwards.

TAURUS
2002 will be a very good year for you to make big money by selling black market human organs on the Internet. You do not drink enough alcohol. Your lucky vegetable is radishes and your lucky country is Angola.

GEMINI
You will acquire a new and cruel nickname when you turn out to resemble a minor character in the upcoming "Star Wars" movie. Be wary of sending all your money to television evangelists. Due to the influence of Saturn, you will hurt your foot slightly in May, but this will not affect your bid for the presidency of Spain.

CANCER
This year will bring changes in your home life. Carefully check the pedigree of new pets. Romance will blossom with a costumed fangeek you unexpectedly meet at a Star Trek convention. Get some exercise, but not the way you've been doing, which is not only ethically wrong but may in fact be illegal.

LEO
You are not only intelligent and fascinating, but incredibly sexy too. This year, you should try not wearing the same damn outfit every day. Avoid a mysterious Hindu fakir whose evil powers may not be obvious. Your lucky flower is roses and your lucky helicopter make is the new medium-lift Sikorsky S-92.

VIRGO
An online friendship will develop into a lifelong online friendship. In July, your life will be the subject of a blockbuster movie by Oliver Stone. Do not wear green. Work on improving your knowledge of calculus. Remember you're a Womble.

LIBRA
Fame and fortune will be yours in 2002. Stay modest even when you earn enough money to buy two-thirds of Europe. Renaming it after yourself is in poor taste. Avoid all denominations of monastic religious orders except the Carmelites. Your lucky number is pi and your lucky animal is the boll weevil.

SCORPIO
Job changes will lead to tremendous opportunities for you, if you are wearing the right shirt at the interview. The stars aren't saying which is the right shirt. Try not to sniff petrol. Do not take more hostages than you actually need. February is a propitious month for buying carpet.

SAGITTARIUS
Your belief that you look hot in those pants is unjustified. Beware of French poodles in September and October. The end of the year will see you entering a different relationship: by "different" the stars mean check local bylaws first. You are generally regarded as cool, and no less than seven people at your place of work secretly wish to be you.

CAPRICORN
This year will mean some big changes for you when you discover your hitherto-unsuspected origins as a member of the royal family of a distant planet. However, none of your secret powers will be any use in your current job. Wearing the costume in public is a bad, bad idea. Your lucky craft is knitting and your lucky appliance is the toaster.

AQUARIUS
Success will never come while you have that bad haircut. Remember that telephone poles are usually made from either aluminium or pine wood. Be kind to ducks and hooved ungulants. In the second half of the year, you will be contacted by a secret organisation: make sure the code name they give you is something cool.

PISCES
Your abduction by aliens midyear will lead to favourable opportunities in the landscaping industry, but heaven only knows why. You will finally achieve your weight loss goal when both your legs are severed in a car crash. You will become the new "face" of Revlon Cosmetics and earn sixteen million dollars in three months. Your lucky scientist is Stephen Hawking and your lucky furniture is the hatstand.

Brunnen-"no money back if not entirely satisfied"G