I've started to collect the really good humorsopes, so here are my favorites.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Today you will lose all self-control. You'll find it again tomorrow, though it just rolled under the couch.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Arachnids will be especially troublesome today. Chances are only fair that you will make it through the day without tangling with one or more giant Amazonian tarantulas. Keep a stick within reach, is my advice, a big stick.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Try to be logical, today. It's your only hope. (Which is considerably better than it would be if your "only hope" were some old geezer on the desert planet Falderol and you had to send a robot shaped like an underarm roller-type deodorant off to find him. But not as fun.)

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Today you will rush around in a tizzy. It will be sort of fun, actually, since the tizzy handles well, and has more than enough power to make an exciting ride.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You'll become best pals with a large invisible rabbit, today. Well, actually he's a "puka", which is a type of Celtic spirit, but he'll look like a large invisible rabbit.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Today is the day you will discover your larger cosmic destiny! A television infomercial and an 800 number are somehow involved.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Today you will be struck by an odd thought. It will do little actual damage, fortunately.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

In a savage reaction against what you view as New Age Wooly-Mindedness, you will write a best-selling book titled I'm Ok, You're A Twerp. Later, people will often regard you as having "defined" the late 90's.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Arachnids will be especially troublesome today. Chances are only fair that you will make it through the day without tangling with one or more giant Amazonian tarantulas. Keep a stick within reach, is my advice, a big stick.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

A creature from the 7th dimension will become attached to your leg, and will be impossible to remove. Eventually, you'll simply get used to it.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Bide your time, and don't do anything rash or in anger. Remember: Revenge is a dish best served cold, with a light bearnaise sauce.


Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You'll become part of the Formal Attire Resurgence movement. Be wary of the Casualist Party though - there's someone out there just dying to spit on your spats.