I had a huge thing I was going to post about the "state of the forum", but it's all been said before. Instead I wrote something else. Maybe some people here can identify. Anyway, here goes nothin':

I really couldn't call myself friends with anyone here. I sometimes wish I could, and I probably used to think I was, but I never really invested myself enough to make friends here. Maybe I need the physicality of face-to-face communication. Maybe I'm just scared that no one would really enjoy my company. Maybe I'm right.

Don't get me wrong. I like spending time here, reading about Howard and his plays and his scooters and his septuagenarian wisdom, and learning what other people are doing and the decisions they're facing, and the myriad of things that will come across this forum in the course of a few day/weeks/months/years. I'll probably never give it up.

However, I don't participate much. I used to think my life was interesting, and I used to enjoy sharing my thoughts with others. I just don't do that anymore. I have a lovely wife and 3 beautiful children. I have a job that I despise and a college career that has been on hold for much too long. I have 3 guitars gathering dust, and a gospel quartet that might never sing together again. I have my problems and I have my pains. I have my victories and my achievements. But it's pretty much just day-to-day, mundane stuff.

I think I've become bored with "me". It's hard to make friends, I guess, when you don't see yourself as interesting. Maybe it's a phase I'm going through. Maybe I've grown accustomed to standing in the shadows. Maybe I fear embarrassment. Maybe my life outside this community is calling me away to a more complete commitment. I don't know. I'll try, on occasion, to "get back into things" here, but it never lasts, and I always feel like an outsider. Maybe that's as it should be.

Will I ever quit trying? I can't foresee that happening--not without some kind of notice to whoever might care. I've been here for too long for that. Will anyone care? I don't think anyone will by the time I quit trying. Where does that leave me now? Oh, the same place I've been for a while now. I'm content here. Maybe that's because it's safe here. I see you, but you don't see me. Oh, wait. I just showed myself.

Mich-back to the shadows-ael