I often hear people railing against pennies. They're useless, people say, and we should just get rid of them. I agree, but I think we should take it a step further: get rid of all coins. Some people reading this are probably already starting a reply, extolling the virtues of coins, but I can tell you they're wrong. Pretty much the only argument I ever hear in favor of coins is that they last longer than paper money, to which I reply "So?" That never seems to matter out in the real world, because the whole reason you have money is to spend it, so it doesn't stay with you anymore, so it doesn't matter whether it lasts a week or thirty years. Besides, if paper money wears out faster, that's good; it gives the guys in the Treasury something to do.

An argument I predict is that coins are smaller, and therefore supposedly easier to handle, more convenient, or whatever. That is nineteen kinds of stupid. The smaller it is, the easier it is for it to get lost. As RinkWorks' own Mr. Draddots can attest to, sitting down on a couch makes coins roll out of your pocket unnoticed and fall between the cushions, never to be seen again (unless you make it a point to search between them when you're broke and cheap). People don't drop fifties on the ground -- or if they do they notice.

We don't even really need coins. They're not worth much. You see a quarter on the ground and it's not even worth bending over to pick up (unless you're Sam). They complicate every transaction. Pretty much the only thing we need coins for anymore are pay phones and vending machines, which can easily be solved by giving pay phones dollar slots and by fixing vending machines so they don't cry at you when your dollar has a microscopic fold on it.

I went to Europe last year, and they've implemented the Euro, which is like a dollar but not worth as much. Another way it differs from a dollar is that everything under a five is change. Think about that. Here in the U.S., you go to Jack in the Box and order a burger, and you give them a five, and they give you back a couple dollar bills and a little bit of change you toss into a cup and never touch again. In Europe, you give them a five, and they give you back a handful of change, which you can't get rid of because it's actually worth something, but you can't put into a wallet because it's change. So after being in Europe for two days your pockets weigh sixteen pounds and you sound like Santa's sleigh. Fortunately, this scheme has not worked very well in America. Every now and then they give us something like the Kennedy fifty-cent-piece, or the Susan B. Anthony dollar (exactly the same as a quarter! SMART MOVE U.S. MINT!), or the Sacajawea dollar, but the righteous Americans wisely reject them. I've seen one person use a Sacajawea dollar since they came out, and he wasn't even American, he was a foreign exchange student. And I bet the only reason he even used it was to get rid of it.

The Susan B. Anthony dollar and the Sacajawea dollar don't say a lot about women, either. The only women in American history to be put on money, and they get stamped onto obnoxious pieces of metal no one wants or uses? I'd be insulted.

-Eric "The only thing you have to use is your change!" Sleator