> To be serious, I've read that everyone should have a top ten list. Ten things that you must have in a mate and ten things you can't have. Only ten, because that forces you to be specific - and you should be very specific with each on the list. Pray a lot about it, and once you have your list, don't compromise; even if someone seems perfect in almost every regard but doesn't match up with just one of those things on the list, she isn't for you.

Leaving aside the part about praying, as I'm not religious, I still have some qualms about the idea of setting out a list of desirable/undesirable attributes and shopping for a partner the way one would for a house or car. Or perhaps it's just the "be specific" part that I don't think works so well. Generalities are indeed very important to get a good match on; for example, if religion is an important part of your life, you're asking for trouble if you pick a spouse who has violently opposing beliefs. But having been through one failed relationship and now having a bit better perspective on how these things work, I would advise against thinking specific likes and dislikes are as important as a broader similarity of personalities. When I entered that relationship, I was 19; we liked all the same things, shared many of the same opinions. It seemed like we were perfect for each other. I now know that interests and opinions (yes, even on things you currently think are set in stone) can change CONSIDERABLY from your early adulthood through to your 30s. I am a very different person than I was at 19; my basic personality has not changed so much as developed, but my interests and opinions are so different that I might as well be a different person. At 19 I could not see the difference between compatibility of interests and compatibility of personality, and it was many, many years before I was able to see that our personalities were not only incompatible, they were probably mutually destructive.

I guess my thoughts on this are that I do not recommend making a list of specifics and trying to stick to it. I don't know what the best way to find a partner is, but from my own experience I would say that until you know *yourself*, you can't possibly make choices about who will be compatible with you. If you're going to make lists with a view to helping your love life, make lists about *yourself* and get your own life sorted out to the point where you're the person you want to be, and you're happy with your life. Then you're more likely to naturally attract the person who will match you.