I don't post to the forum much. I go months sometimes without reading it. This is mostly because I'm lazy, but partly because it seems like every time I read the forum, it's exactly the same as the last time I read it, whether that was two days or two months ago. It usually goes something like this:

Of every 100 posts:

55 of them will be in a thread that is a raging, heated debate about (choose one) "Creation vs. Evolution", "Abortion", "Death Penalty", "Religion vs. Science (which always devolves into "Creation vs. Evolution" anyway)", "Why RinkChat Currently Sucks", or "What's Up With The Newbie Persecution?"

Of the remaining 45, 25 will be random witterings that go nowhere. Sort of like this post, only more random and less funny.

Of the remaining 20, 2 will be "Adventures with..." posts that are boring and tedious to read.

Of the remaining 18, 6 will be responses to the "Adventures with..." posts saying how wonderful the posts were.

Of the remaining 12, 1 will be a post from Howard about his most recent visit to Dollywood. I'll read this one avidly, because the entire idea of a theme park devoted entirely to Dolly Parton seems so surreal to me.

Of the remaining 11, 3 will be "cleverly" disguised anti-United States posts by some random Euro-Rinky.

Of the remaining 8, 2 will be posts that have the potential to start very interesting threads.

Of the remaining 6, 6 will be posts in response to the previous two posts that completely change the subject to something irrelevant and boring, and/or change it to one of the above raging, heated debate subjects.

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The other day I was thinking to myself, "You know, the world would be a much nicer place if there were less people in it." So I devised a plan to reduce world population. I call it the "Fake Alien Invasion Idea To Reduce World Population." Here's how it goes.

All of the world's space capable powers get together and agree on this plan. Ok, so this is the part where the plan is a little shaky, but it doesn't work unless you assume this as a given. I figure I'll work out the details later.

Anyway, that gives us the US, The EU, Russia, and China. To make this really work, we'll also have to include any nation that has the capability to track space launches, so at a minimum I think we're also talking Australia, South Africa, French Guanya, Canada, and I think Japan.

Here's how it works. These nations get together and, as I said, agree to my plan. Which is as follows. These nations launch probes capable of gathering a few near-Earth asteroids and setting them up on a collision course with Earth. The first target is, of course, France. Wait, why France? And how did the other powers get France to agree to bomb themselves?

Well, they didn't. What happened was the other nations got together in a backroom deal and decided the first target would be France. This is because everyone knows the French would be the first to blow the whistle on this whole thing, just to prove their independance from their Allies. So naturally they had to be taken out first.

Anyway, after the asteroid bombing of France, the other nations quickly alert the world that the Earth is under attack from aliens. The aliens are vicious, mean creatures who want to destroy the human race, because that is, after all, the goal of *all* aliens. They release some faked UFO pictures to prove their point, plus "artists conceptions" of what the aliens look like, namely Jesse Helms and Strom Thurmond (this has the added benefit of people lynching Helms and Thurmond and finally getting them the heck out of the US Senate).

To keep up the ruse, the secret nation alliance continues to drop asteroids on uninhabited or worthless parts of the world, such as Antarctica, Siberia, the Sahara, France, the South Pacific, and Hollywood.

Then, every space capable nation starts building big troop transport space vessels. There's a war on, and we need to send troops... uh... somewhere. As quickly as these things can be built, they are filled up with conscripts from the Earth's population and launched into the sun. This sets up an even decrease in the world's population around the globe, not including France, which by this time is completely uninhabited.

Once you get to a point where the population is a more stable one billion or so, the space nations declare that the war was won, we have a big celebration, and go back to business as usual. Repeat as necessary.

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Race is a funny thing. As a white guy, I can't make fun of black people--but if I were black, it'd be acceptable to make fun of whites. There's always a raging debate about things like affirmative action, and those guys in the KKK sheets still manage to attract members even though their philosophy is almost as ridiculous as their uniforms (exactly how am I supposed to feel "white pride" wearing a dunce cap on my head??)

Well, I've got a solution to this problem too. The nations of the world get together and pass an international law that states everyone must have every ounce of skin covered at all times. No skin can show anywhere. This way, nobody knows if you're black or white, asian or pacific islander.

Some people would argue that they could tell by a persons language or speech what race they were. Well, that's an easy fix, too. First of all, we have voice modulators that make everyone sound Australian. Why Australian? Why not? So, if black dude from LA says "Yo homey," the modulator changes that to "G'day, mate!" Second, we abolish all languages except Latin. That way, everyone speaks the same language, so you can't tell a Chinaman from a Swede.

Don't you think the world would be a better place if it was entirely peopled with Latin speaking Australians wearing full-body covering suits? I do.

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I had a classmate in high school who was insane. He tried to convince everyone that he knew how to make a time machine. He said all you had to do was take a stream of negative ions and focus them exactly on a geometric point to open a "gate" in time. What a crazy moron. Everyone knows you need to use *positive* ions. Sheesh.

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Time to go. I'm here to pick myself up for lunch yesterday.

-- Dave