> I'd like opinions on this. It's something I've been vaguely wondering about for a while, and a conversation I had yesterday brought it to mind again.
>
> Which of the following viewpoints do you agree more with? Or do you have a different view entirely?
>
> Viewpoint 1: Romantic trivia in everyday life, such as little spontaneous compliments, saying you love someone, giving them flowers, random hugs and kisses etc, devalue a relationship because it means there's nothing left to say on the occasions when you really *mean* it. It's better to be honest and only do these things when the feeling genuinely strikes you that way. It's better to be told you look nice maybe twice a year when you know the person absolutely means it with all their heart, than to be told you look nice on a daily basis when obviously that can't always be true.
>
> Viewpoint 2: Romantic trivia like the above improves a relationship because it lets the person know you're thinking of them and you want to make them feel good. It's a way of letting the person know you love them, regardless of whether the actual meaning of the compliment is currently true. It's better to feel visibly loved (if that makes any sense) than to know the person loves you enough not to lie to you. If the person loves you, surely they ought to feel that way a lot of the time anyway.
>
> Obviously I'm not talking about *big important* things in a relationship, where honesty is ALWAYS the most important, but just the little extras like the ones mentioned above. I'm really divided on this question. On the one hand, I feel very strongly about the importance of honesty in small matters as well as big ones. On the other hand, well, maybe I'm still living in a mushy teenage fantasy world. Which viewpoint do you agree with?
>
> Brunnen-"will be very interested to see whether the replies divide along gender lines"G


Hi! Remember me from the death penalty thread?

Okay, I'll keep this one shorter, I promise, because this is something I have Less Strong Views on. :)

I'd lean towards... hmm, I don't know. I know it feels tremendously gratifying to get compliments even when they're not true; I don't think of them as lies (lies would be if they were trying to get me to think something that wasn't true, like telling me I aced a test that I failed or that the job I got paid more than it really did), I think of them as signs that the person cares more about my feelings than about convenience (because it *is* more convenient not to say anything or to say just the plain truth when asked about something; at least among my friends, constant compliments are too much of an effort to toss around indiscriminately).

But then the question becomes, do they care about my feelings because they care about *me* or because they need something from me (flattery)? I can usually detect flattery, and though I won't pretend I don't enjoy compliments, I really don't appreciate flattery. I hate being used.

So it's not straight honesty ("Yes, I do think you look fat") or totally dishonest "romance" ("I really enjoy being around you (because you pay for all the dates)") I want. It's *honest* romance. :) ("I'm telling you you're perfect because, even though you're not, I love you enough to treat you like you are.")

Yes, I'm a guy, and that kind of sentiment is reserved for women, isn't it? Guys don't *need* romance, according to Sam. :)

Hey, girls out there: we do. And unless I'm totally abnormal, guys *do* like being told that we're better men than we really are. If it's done in the right context, it can be what makes us *become* better men than we already are.
(The best girlfriends and wives know this without having to be told.)

Compliments shouldn't be based on straight factual information on the person. (How many compliments could the purely objective robot dish out? "You're of above average intelligence for your age group." "Three out of five male panelists would rank you as 'highly attractive'.") They should be based on how the person makes you feel, what you *want* the person to think of her/himself, and what you think that person *could* be, or really is inside. (Goes back to my death penalty post on the nature of the human spirit and all that good nonsense.) The same principles, of course, apply to what motivates the worst insults. (If insults can be utterly untrue yet brutally sincere, why can't compliments?)

So that's my view; not 1), not 2), but maybe 1.5). No, I don't want to be told I'm a good person when she doesn't mean it, but I don't want her to only mean it twice a year. :) If she shows me her love because she loves me, then how can she be lying? And anyone who loves me knows that, when it comes to trivial things, I value having my emotions cared for more than I value being told the facts; nine times out of ten I already *know* the facts. (Or did you think I was unaware of those ten pounds I gained over the holidays?)

I'm glad to say most of the other responses pretty much match my view of the situation; or should it be that my view matches the other responses, since I probably have the least relationship experience of anyone on this board? :) But thanks for asking and letting me answer! (Well, not explicitly *letting* me answer, but (hopefully) being nice enough not to tell me my answer sucked. Hey, another example!)