> This is my essay for entry into college... or "personal statement", as they like to call it. I'd honestly appreciate any criticism... please don't just say "it's nice," cause that won't help me at all.

But it /is/ nice!

>Please also keep in mind that it's currently 503 words and isn't supposed to be greater than 500...

Only 498 if you don't count the title!

>so for anything you think I should add, I have to take something out, as well. This is also my first draft, so if parts of it suck, then tell me. But anyway... here it is.

It would be helpful if you would tell us what the "assignment" is...what they want you to get across. As well, what sort of program are you applying to get into? If I wrote something like this when I was trying to get into the Engineering program at the University of Alberta, I don't think it would have helped much since all they care about is my math and physics marks. So, unless I know what the essay is /supposed/ to do, I can't really offer any suggestions other than boring grammar-ish stuff.

> "I will if Smallz does."
> Smallz had, and I was perched on a 20-foot cliff, preparing to jump into the river
> below. It wasn't a particularly fast river or a particularly high jump, but I've always hated
> heights, nor am I particularly athletic.

As far as I know, you're only supposed to use the word "nor" as part of a neither...nor clause, when you have at least two sentences you want to negate. You might want to rephrase this sentence "It was neither a particularily fast river nor a particularily high jump, but I've always hated heights; moreover, I'm not particularily athletic" or something like that. Actually, you don't have to change the first part, I just did that to illustrate how "neither...nor" is supposed to be used!

> Unfortunately, this wasn't a bargain I could easily back out of, considering that all of

A bargain? Sorry, but the first thing that comes to my mind when you phrase it that way is "Jump into river! Cheap! On sale only until Monday!" I think what you want to say is "...this wasn't a situation that I could easily back out of..." or even "...this wasn't something that I could easily back out of...".

Stylistically, you could replace the word "Unfortunately" with a word like "However" or "But" (or you could just delete the word and start the sentence with "This wasn't...") since no actual misfortune occurred as a result of the jumping. It depends on what you're trying to convey.

> my friends were watching, so I jumped. Surprisingly - at least to me - I survived. The fact that I enjoyed it surprised everyone.

"The fact that" is pedantic, according to my former English teacher. Consider the alternatives "That I enjoyed it surprised everyone", or "Even more surprising, I enjoyed it!" It's just stylistic, of course.

> Later that day, several of us journeyed downriver. Returning involved hoisting

This isn't particularily clear. Did you go downriver in a boat, or just jump in and swim, or did you walk? (Obviously you didn't walk if you had to hoist yourselves out of deep water, but I had to think twice to figure out exactly what was going on.) For clarity, you might consider replacing the verb "journeyed" with something a little more specific.

> ourselves from deep water onto a slippery ledge two feet above our heads, but we found a
> spot with conveniently placed hand and foot holds and got out without too much difficulty.

This is okay, but I might have written "handholds and footholds". It's proper English whether you use one word or two, but I think one is clearer. Or, you could write "hand- and foot-holds" if you choose.

While I'm examining this sentence, I might as well throw in a stylistic alternative. "...a slippery ledge two feet above our heads. Fortunately, we found a spot with conveniently placed handholds and footholds, (notice comma) and got out without too much trouble."

Which version you like better is, of course, up to you.

> A quick scramble up the rest of the rock piles and cascades we had descended, and we were
> back to where we began.

When had you descended them, and is this an important detail? Or could this be replaced with "After a quick scramble up a bunch of rock piles and cascades (of water, or of rock?), we were right back to where we began."

> A few of us decided to go back down. When we were finally ready to leave for good,

When you say "ready to leave for good", do you mean that your friends decided to go back down to the river just as you were ready to leave TO GO HOME, or do you mean that as soon as you were ready to leave TO GO TO THE RIVER your friends picked a more difficult spot? In the former case, you might for clarity say, "A few of us decided to go back to the river. When we were finally ready, [/not/ "to leave for good"]..." whereas in the latter case, you might say, "Just as we were packing up to leave, my friends decided to go back to the river. This time, they chose another, more difficult..."

Of course, the exact phrasing is a matter of style.

> my friends picked another, more difficult spot at which to climb out. As soon as I looked at
> it, I knew that I could not physically do it. Unfortunately, the rational side of my brain was

"...spot from which to climb out. I knew that I would not be physically able to climb out from that spot. Unfortunately, the rational side..."

Just an alternative to think about.

> quickly over-ruled, and, urged on by my friends, I made the attempt. Just as I had expected,

A non-passive variant to think about: "Unfortunately, my [competitive spirit/character/guts/will/force/whatever] quickly overruled the rational part of my brain..."

Also, "overruled" can be written as one word to save on the word count!

> I couldn't do it, and I found myself unable to either stop or continue without some measure
> of embarassment. Finally, one of the others there helped me up.

It's "Embarrassment". Two "r"'s.

Stylistically: "Finally, my friends had to drag me out of the river," or the more extravagant "In the end, I was left with no choice but to suffer the embarrassment of being pulled from the river by my friends." Again, it depends on what you're trying to get across.

> For the next few minutes, I was angry at all of my friends for convincing me to try,
> and at myself for being convinced. When I had calmed down a bit, I realized for the first
> time that I am extremely competitive. The entire day, I had done things in order to prove to
> others that I was just as good as they.
> T.S. Eliot once said "Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how

"...once said, [notice comma] 'Only those...'"

> far one can go." On that day, I discovered that although there are outside limits to what I

You might want to change your terminology a bit here. "Outer limits" and "inner limits" is kind of silly. "Physical limits" and "Spiritual limits", perhaps, or even "Spirit"?

> can do, my inner limits can be stretched and changed. I don't expect my outer limits to
> remain the same forever, either, but I now trust myself to know the difference between

I think you can save on the word count a bit here. "I don't expect to remain the same forever, but I now trust myself to know..." conveys pretty much the same thing.

Well, maybe "I don't expect myself to remain physically the same forever..." if you want to stress the "outer limits" bit.

> when I am merely afraid of a new experience and when I actually have a good reason for
> not doing something. I also learned that merely doing things to prove that I am as good as
> others is not healthy, as it can force me into doing things beyond my outer limits - however,

The sentences "beyond my outer limits. However," or "beyond my outer limits; however," are both more correct grammatically than using a hyphen.

> using my competitiveness to push myself to greater heights has led me to experiences I
> might previously have avoided.

".../which/ I might /otherwise/ have avoided."

> Towards the end of our time at the river, some of the guys realized that a tree which
> grew from the top of the cliff would, if climbed, double the plunge into the river. They
> invited me to join them. I didn't even have to think about my response - a very definite no.
>
> uni"i hope i get in!!!! i hope i hope i hope!"peg

-Space "nitpicker" Bar.