> There was an article in the newspaper this morning about people living together before getting married, and, while I disagree with this practice, one of the points brought up in the article (and by others I have talked to about this) made me think about living with anyone, especially your spouse.
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> If you are married or formerly married, maybe you will see yourself in this. If you haven't been married, hopefully you can still learn something. I am definitely not an expert on marriage, but being there sure does change you.
>
> Does your spouse do any of these things:
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> Leave the toilet seat up, or not replace the toilet paper roll when finished? Do they forget to put the toothpaste cap back on or squeeze the tube from the "wrong" end?
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> Do they leave dirty dishes around sometimes or load the dishwasher incorrectly?
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> Do they leave the mail out without reading it? Do they leave the newspaper out instead of putting it away when finished? Do they lose the remote control?
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> Do they insist on putting posters up that you hate? Does their taste in decorating clash with yours?
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> Do they leave dirty clothes on the floor? Do they leave clean clothes on the floor?
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> There are more examples, for sure, and I'm sure you could name a few. And while these things may be a sign of a bigger problem for the person doing the actions, most likely they are just pet peeves for you. If that is the extent of the problems in your relationship, be happy that you are so blessed. If those issues really are a problem, get outside help. Marriages should not end because of pet peeves and living together first just to find out if he or she leaves their underwear around makes no sense to me.
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> I definitely have my pet peeves and there are times when my wife bugs me with things she does and I KNOW I bug her sometimes. Marriage is bigger than that, even though many people will contend otherwise. Try to dwell on the good things, not the bad things, and realize that bad things will happen. Living together first won't change that, it seems to be more of a cop out to me.
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> Well, I could go on forever, but I won't. Marriage is a challenge, but I love it.
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> Ferrick

I agree with this. Annoying trivialities are just that, trivialities. If you can't ignore them or (if it really does bug you to the point of provoking disharmony) if your partner won't change them, you can't have much of a relationship.

I don't see living together as a cop-out, though. If you define "marriage" as "having had a church wedding ceremony", then I would have to say I am not married. However, if you define it as a committed lifelong union of love, mutual respect and all the rest, in which separation is not an option, then I am certainly married. After eleven years I see no difference between our "living together" and anybody else's "marriage" - in fact, we have seen one of our properly-married friends get through upwards of three properly-married and subsequently properly-divorced wives in that time.

There are many reasons to get married, and of course for many people it is a religious obligation to do so instead of living together. I think these days it's a personal decision. The "cop-out" element of living together, as I see it, would be in settling for a long series of cheap, short-term failed relationships. And that sort of failure isn't restricted to the unmarried. The commitment of both partners to each other and their relationship is what's important, whether married or not.

Brunnen-"not against getting married, there just hasn't seemed to be any reason to"G