I found this on the Daily Humorscope page. You should all visit at humorscope.com

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Stay out of the Cheez Doodles today.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Remember that silly song The Monster Mash? Beginning today, you will
start sounding a lot like the lead singer in that song.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

This is going to be a fairly peculiar day, for you. You'll end up taking a bus
downtown. Two neatly dressed but somewhat short and embittered
women will push a cart up and down the aisle in the bus, dispensing
packets of honey-roasted peanuts, and miniscule quantities of Diet Coke
in plastic glasses.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

People will stare at you today. Unknown to you, you are starting to look
more and more like a large frog. A career in basketball may be in your
future.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Today you will realize that your biggest problem is indecisiveness. Or
possibly procrastination. Tomorrow may be a better day to figure out
which.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

A very pudgy cat will annoy you, today.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Someone will ask you if you'd like some "fresh ground pepper" on your
salad. Personally (this may be just a "Ron" thing), I always say "yes" to
people carrying a baseball bat, outside a playing field.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will declare war on ham, today. Possibly on all pork, not just ham.
Why? Nobody will know.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will be traumatized by an episode with a stapler, today. You will be
unable to even look at a stapler for several weeks, without trembling.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Musical inspiration will strike you today, and you'll invent some sort of
new instrument that looks like a Hoover vacuum bag with a few bits of
odd plumbing sticking out of it. The good thing is, the instrument will rivet
people's attention to such a degree that you can indulge your tendency
towards cross-dressing without anyone noticing!

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Today you will receive a gift horse. Unfortunately, it will have a really
horrendous case of gingivitis.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Today you will find a note, folded into quarters, and torn from a steno
pad. Surprisingly, it will refer to you. Even more surprisingly, it will refer to
you as the object of adoration, someone whom the note's author wishes to
engage in "snuggle bunnies" with. Sadly, it will be impossible to determine
who wrote it, and nothing will ever come of it.

Spider-ilikesillystuff-Boy