I have a problem.

I'm creative.

Not that that's a problem in itself. Perhaps it's easier to explain in a different way. (Excuse the wandering tone this post is going to be written in. It's easier for me this way.)

You see, I have *ideas*. Lots of them.

I have ideas on new stuff I can create, or help to create. Whenever somebody mentions something that they might like to do, or that I might be able to be involved in, a billion ideas come rushing through my head at once. Ideas on how the project might be able to take hold, ideas on what route I might like to see the project going in, and ideas on how to get there. Really big, extravagant ideas. Ideas that make me want to take charge, or at least have a pivotal role in whatever it is, because I feel these ideas are way too good to waste.

I'm a hacker.

Being creative is kind of a necessity for being a hacker. When I say this, I don't mean the kind of hacker you hear about every day in the news. I don't go by a handle. I am not UnixKid, or ro0t, or bOxBuStEr. I'm Ciaran. (Or maybe Ciaran_H in some places.)

I'm a hacker. I hack. Not necessarily at computers, although that's my most common area. Hacking is not about illegal activity. It's not even necessarily about computers. Music is an area in which I hack a lot, for example.

I'm tremendously creative. I know this. Lots of people have told me so, and in any case, I have the proof in the form of lots and lots of ideas.

The trouble is, a lot of these ideas are *too* creative. Too extravagant. Not in terms of how I might actually execute them, but too extravagant for other people to cope with at first glance. They wouldn't laugh; at least, most wouldn't. But they'd listen to me carefully, and nod, and then look at me with a very concerned look, and ask quietly, "I understand you, Ciaran. But have you *really* thought any of this through?"

The truth? I haven't. Not really. But I'm not one to dwell on useless ideas. If I have an idea and I've presented it to someone, you can be sure I've thought it out well enough to know that it *is* doable. Perhaps without a lot of investment, even.

The trouble is, the person I'm talking to will inevitably be someone who thinks more "realistically" than me. In a few cases, that's a good thing. A few other times, it can be a very bad thing.

Realism is both a help and a hinderance, I believe. Many of the truly great things in this world came about because the person behind them didn't let reality get in their way. Because the people behind them were hackers.

Google is a great example of this. Google do the *impossible*. That's because they're mostly hackers, and it shows in their application process. I don't know if you've ever seen their application process, but it's a very effective tool in allowing creative minds to run riot, because the one thing that Google value above all else is creativity. (I haven't applied for them myself, although I've thought about it. I have, however, seen an example of the process you go through.)

I want to be able to talk with like-minded hackers. Unfortunately I'm not sure that there are many at my church. And that's a problem for me, because I'm not a leader. That is to say, I could lead, but ask me to organise anything and it'll probably fizzle. It's happened too many times for me to write it off as chance.

Hackers can be a tremendously powerful force. I just wish I had a channel where I could pitch ideas without them being instantly rejected in the name of realism.

To be honest, I want to work at Google. It seems like exactly the right environment. I hope I will at some point.

My current programming job, however, is awesome enough. It's the most hacker-friendly place I've been at yet. I can have ideas and am given mostly free reign to implement them. I'm basically the sole programmer, so I can work out ideas without the constraint of having to talk it through with someone else. Don't get me wrong, I do talk with people, and I always let them know what I'll be doing. But apart from exceptional circumstances, it's mainly my turf.

Not that I'm possessive. If another hacker were to enter the fold at my job I would be delighted, in fact. I've been wishing I had another hacker to talk things through with and brainstorm with, actually. Someone I can share things with about the job. Someone who I can show some piece of code and they would know why I was showing it to them without me having to explain it. There are people like those in the company, but they're not programmers. Bernard, my boss, is pretty much a hacker, although a different type.

I have to go sleep now, but I wanted to get all this off my chest. It's been good to write all this down.