There can be only one appropriate response to these allegations against my person.

Ahem.

"Likewise we bod know who be responsible fo' dis most dastardly uh deeds. In trud, he had fain confessed his guilt heretofo'e, dis real day! Right on! Amos mine wo'ds, dig dis: dun didst not da damn foul fiend claim, dig dis:

"...a baaaad clean reboot be plum whut ah' need t'get goin' on some Monday mo'nin'. ah' took de weekend mostly off RinkWo'ks...."

"And so's derein lies his infdat fine femahnaine ladee as plain as dine schnozzle grace dy face. So; ya' see. His so-called "early mo'nin' reboot" (ha! Right on!) uh his own wo'dless pocket-calculato'-of-a-'puta' to'e drough de internet lines, wreakin' serious havoc on an unsuspectin' RinkWo'ks, plum as poo' Fuh'rina wuz attemptin' t'post anoda' erudite addishun t'his scholarly 'esposés on non-kosha' Bard-barians. And verily, de fo'um failure ne'a' had some chance t'"occur" until de puh'petrato' had "returned" fum his "weekend". Dus had de demonspawn been identified fo'dright. Man! Our solemn tax' becomed clear, dig dis: how shalt we lovin'ly *fo'give* our churlish miscreant gone so's far astray?"

Iss "Man!" achar