> > I was originally going to ask how many people here fall into that category, or have in the past, but the more I think about it, it seems like it's almost the *norm* at Rinkworks. Really, is it that prevalent? Am I the only person here who hasn't ever had such a problem?
> >
>
> I was going to post about how I've had depression as long as I can remember, and I haven't yet found a medication that will help, and I suspect I may have ADD but I've never been tested.
>
> Then I realized you weren't asking who had such things, but who didn't.
>
> So I won't.
>
> Maryam

I was going to reply to this and clarify that the previous post could be taken a lot more seriously than I meant it, and it was really a joke and all that.

But then I realized I was just fooling myself.

This is another depression post. It probably won't be very interesting and I wouldn't mind in the slightest if you felt like skipping it.

I'm currently on two anti-depressants-- just started the second one. Have to wait a few weeks to see if it will have any effect. The first one hasn't helped; in fact, I've spiraled rather downward in the last few weeks. Right now, it's 3am and I feel horrible. I haven't showered or changed my nightgown for a few days now. I'm often a little hungry because I can't be bothered to fix more than snacks for myself.

For as long as I can remember, I've had troubles with, well, doing things. I would procrastinate and procrastinate, and if I was in particularly good form, it would get done eventually. Usually I just procrastinate so long that I figure it's not worth doing. The idea that I "ought" to do something, even something that I quite wanted to do, just freezes me in my tracks. I've done nothing for hours at a time, trying to make myself get up and attend to a task.

I never try to explain it to people anymore. My "best" friend ("best" being relative-- I don't have any really close friends besides Matthew) doesn't believe me. Probably some of you won't, either. If you don't, then please, refrain from saying so.

I've seen psychiatrists and psychologists. I've had drugs prescribed and therapy, to no avail. I wasn't able to stay on the programs for very long, though-- I couldn't make doctor appointments myself, and if I didn't do it, it usually didn't get done. I hate to use a cliche, but it's a vicious spiral.

I am seeing a psychiatrist right now. I have faint hopes. I am living with my sister, who has been through almost exactly the same thing, and she knows that she needs to take care of the appointments and make sure I get there. So far, nothing has helped, but it's only been a few months. I'm going to need years.

I don't know why I'm posting this. There isn't much anyone can reply to, except to say something vague and encouraging.

For the first time in some months, I have to hold back tears. I've gotten so used to my depression that I only cry when I feel really down.

I'm going to regret posting this, as I always do when I make one of my rare posts. I feel unworthy of this message board, because I never post anything of significance or take part in serious discussions. I am so uncertain of myself and my opinions that, really, I don't *have* many opinions. I can be easily swayed by an opposing argument. I simply can't make a stand, because I'm so insecure. If I post anything resembling an opinion, I feel sick with anxiety for a day or so afterwards, just waiting for someone to cut me down. Probably not logical, but I can't explain that to my emotions.

But I'm going to post this anyway.

Maryam