After having a sneak peek at Britney's movie debut, I can reveal the awful truth....

"Crossroads"
(Dir: Charles B. Pierce)

The movie opens with young Britney, a choral prodigy with pop pretensions, helping Madonna escape from an old folks home so that she can teach her the lost songs that will mould her career as a diva songstress. Madonna has other plans, however, and leads our naive heroine to a crossroads in L.A. where, many years before, Madonna struck a deal with Beelzebub.

The Devil offers Britney a chance to save her companion's eternal soul by way of a contest of skills: confident in the utmost, and scoffing at all this "voodoo jive", Britney accepts.

Things go awry when Satan has a schedule mix-up and Britney faces Steve Vai in a contest of extreme guitar wig-outs, whilst (hundreds of miles away in the deep South) Raplh Macchio pits his pre-pubescent vocal stylings against the demonic warbling of Mariah Carey.

Against all the odds, young Ralph wins out with a fabulous rendition of Ricky Martins "She Bangs", but Britney falls at the first hurdle, unable to impress widdly-guitar-riff king Steve with her improvisations on "Merrily we roll along". And thus Britney and Madonna are dragged screaming into the depths of Hell, never to be heard from again.

Bo"might be better than the ACTUAL movie"urne

P.S. If you don't know who Charles B. Pierce is, shame on you! Bad Rinkydink! Bad! Bad! (sound of Bourne hitting you on the nose with a rolled up copy of Heat magazine)