About two weeks ago I drove all over New York, Pennsylvania, and Maryland looking at colleges. I'm not going to talk about that, because it's boring. And that's even when compared to what I'm about to talk about: New York. Specifically New York City. I must say, NYC is a very interesting place. I could spend hours just talking about the traffic. And I will.

What I found most interesting about roads in New York is that about 20% of them go straight in to the ocean. You may think that if this were true, people wouldn't be driving on them, but the New York government gets around this because no one in New York KNOWS where the roads go, because all signs telling you where to turn are located approximately 200 yards AFTER the you've already made the turn. We were trying to drive to Manhattan, and came to an unlabeled fork in the road. My dad swore about signs and went to the left. About 2 hours later (because New York traffic doesn't actually move, the cars just stay still and wait for the continent to drift under them) we saw a sign "Ocean, this way" and a half hour later we were under water. This is an ingenious tactic used by the New York government to get people to buy their cars in New York. Once you've driven in to the ocean, you aren't going to be driving your car home. Because of this, people in New York buy cars six times as often as people do in Saudi Arabia. If you think about it logically, once you've lost your car, there's no way home other than to buy a new one. I mean, sure, you could WALK home, but you'd die. Or you could get a cab, but that costs more and smells worse than buying a new car of your own. About 8 days and 22 cars later, we decided we were on the right road to get us to where we wanted. All we would need to do was to get on to FDR road. This was supposed to be a large road which would logically be clearly marked. It wasn't. This was another brilliant move by the New York government, because it took us in to the Bronx. Of course by the time we saw a sign to tell us this, we were already at almost the end of the continent, so instead of trying to find somewhere to turn around, we decided to circle back own around through Queens and take the tunnel into Manhattan. Why this was a brilliant move by the New York government is because New York is split up into about 4 chunks, connected only by bridges and tunnels. These bridges and tunnels cost money to cross. Lots of money. We spend about $60 just getting from Manhattan back to Manhattan. And that's on toll's alone, not including all the cars we had to buy along the way. I'm actually pretty convinced that this is how New York gets most of it's residence. They were just people driving through New York who spent so much money on new cars and tolls, that eventually they ran out. And since bridges and tunnels are the only ways to get out of New York, they were trapped. So, they set up little tables along side the road and sell watches for $5, but the boxes they go in for $10. Eventually they get enough money to rent a box along side the road, which costs $3000 a month. But, I will talk about living accommodations later. Anyways, they decide that they're making $4000 dollars here, and that they'd lose all of that through tolls if they tried to leave, so they stay. So, eventually by sheer chance of quantum mechanics, we make it to Manhattan.

The traffic there is a whole new story. What makes it so odd is that people and birds appear to have the right of way. You'll get to an intersection and the light will be green, but people will be meandering back and forth through the streets, setting up tables to sell watches for $5 and boxes for 10 right in front of your car. Many decide to just take a nap half way between one sidewalk and the other. Strangely enough, there seem to be MORE people on the road when the signs say "don't walk" than there are when it doesn't. I'm pretty sure I know why this is. As you may or may not know, New York is the only state that requires it's teachers to have a degree from New York. All other states will accept any degree. I'm pretty sure that they do this because New York teachers are required to spend one third of the day teaching their students to ignore signs of all kinds. They'll sit them down in from of a sign that says "TALK!", and every time one of them talks, they break their knee caps. Through rigorous mental conditioning New Yorkers are made immune to such signs as "Stop", "Out Of Order", "Don't Walk", and "Do Not Urinate In Public Places." But I digress.

Well, I said I'd talk about living accommodations, and now I will. People living in New York will pay absolutely anything for a place to live, and like it. I've concluded that there are three key elements that determine how expensive a place will be. Number one is height. The higher your home is, the more you'll pay. I think this has to do with crime. As I said earlier, traffic in New York doesn't actually move. Because of this, a car stuck in traffic outside of your apartment may be there for upwards of 3 years. When someone's stuck in a car for three years, they get a bit restless. They'll see you sitting in your home, watching your TV, eating your over priced deli food, and wearing your $5 watch, and they'll want to do the same thing. So they will. They get out of their cars and step in to your house, where they kill you. The chances of this happening are reduced greatly the higher from the ground you get. You may think that this could lead to a decrease in population, and I'd be likely to agree with you, if it weren't for the tolls on bridges and tunnels. They number of murders and the number of people who get stuck in New York each day have come to an equilibrium at about the population of New York. The second factor is light. If you building has colorful lights on it, you'll be paying at least double what you would normally. Even I can't tell why it is. Who knows. Maybe the red light shining through their windows at all hours of the night reminds them of the olden days when they could see a sunset instead of the swarming mass of watch salesmen that block it when you're in the city. The third and last factor is how architecturally sound it is. The more likely your building is to fall over, the more it's worth. This I won't even pretend to understand. An example of this is when a few months back a company built a pyramid shaped apartment building. The rooms in it rented for about $4000 a month. Then just a couple weeks ago the company made a brilliant decision to flip it upside down and balance it on the top of the pyramid. Prices skyrocketed, and they were making over $24000 a month off of the rooms. Yes, there is a point to all of this. If any of you go to New York (which you shouldn't), I have a fool proof plan for you. Lease a spot of land 1ftx1ft. On that land erect a 850 foot pole. Wrap colorful Christmas lights all over it, put a bucket on top, and only put about 3 inches of it into the ground. Believe me, you'll be a millionaire before the day is through with the rent someone will pay you to live there.

Anyways, later that night me, my dad, and the people we were visiting decided to walk to Times Square. I was pleasantly surprised that on the way only two different groups of people harassed me for worshiping Satan through the TV. Apparently over the last 10 years Times Square has been cleaned up. If that's true, then I'm pretty sure that 10 years ago all the buildings must have been made out of horse feces. Although, it wasn't all bad. It had a distinct feeling of Las Vegas, but was missing the distinct advantage that Vegas has over it. Las Vegas isn't New York. So after we walked through there a little, trying as best we could to ignore all signs, and marveling at all the people selling watches, we decided to go back to the apartment. We took the subway. I think this is one of the clearest examples of people ignoring the "Do Not Urinate In Public Places" signs. Luckily I had caught on to the pattern and placed a "Please Urinate On And Mug Me" sign on my back. I think I got off lucky, because I was only urinated on and mugged by a group of 4 tourists, while my father was mugged and urinated on by everyone that we passed. The subway is a very interesting place. I'm pretty sure that it's the only place in the world where people PAY to walk two miles, just to get somewhere one mile away. It took us about twenty minutes to walk to Times Square from the apartment, yet it took us thirty minutes of walking underground for us to find our train. But despite all of this, I think it was overall a very educational trip. Not only did I learn how to become rich if I ever get stuck in New York, I was also taught a valuable lesson by the people I was staying with, and it goes as follows: "A putz is someone who gets out of the shower to take a piss."

Wes - "Unfortunately they told me that AFTER I had used their shower"