Here are the winners:

Most original: Melanie with the drugs/Night of the Living Dead interpretation.

Closest to the original: koalamom with the Disneyland interpretation.

Both of you will now be in the balcony seats at the next Sammy award ceremony, with the best view in the house of the top of everyone's head.

Now here's what the actual song means, line by line, or occasionally couple lines by a couple lines.

WARNING: SPOILERS ABOUT DISNEYLAND RIDES, PARTICULARLY THE HAUNTED MANSION

> Once upon a time I was the king
> Of a very magical land

This is about Disneyland, and "I" is Walt Disney.


> With princesses and a castle and even a moat

They have the various princess characters walking about, the famous castle, and the moat around it.


> And unhappiness was practically banned

It's the happiest place on Earth.


> And I treated all my subjects with
> The utmost respect and care

Walt Disney was well known for treating all the Disneyland workers, no matter what the position, with respect.


> But when I hid inside my room up above
> IT was like I wasn't even there

He had an apartment above the fire station on Main Street, U.S.A., where he would go to rest.


> 'Round the turn of the century -- no, not now
> I meant the earlier one --

Main Street, U.S.A., is designed to look like a town near the beginning of the twentieth century.


> There was a train station and a Christmas tree

Main Street Train Station. And, at Christmastime, there's a huge Christmas tree in the little square near City Hall.


> And the movies where you'd go to have fun

Main Street Cinema.


> And the President spoke from beyond the grave

Great Moments with Mr. Lincoln.


> And a man in a hat played piano

There's a guy who plays ragtime music on a piano outside one of the restaurants on the end of Main Street. He's really good.


> And when you rode down the street to fight a nonexistent fire

One of the "Main Street Vehicles" is the fire engine.


> You could see my dad's contract in the window

The names in the windows on Main Street are all people who had something to do with Disney or Disneyland. Elias Disney, Walt Disney's dad, is in one window as "CONTRACTOR". Contract = contractor.


> But then you waited seven hundred years

Tomorrowland.


> So you could fly off to the moon
> With flights leaving in the morning
> At night and in the afternoon

There used to be a ride called "Rocket to the Moon" where you'd go to the moon.


> See the sunken graveyard and the cross-eyed snake

On the Submarine Voyage, there's a ship graveyard and a sea serpent, who crosses his eyes in a very silly manner. Or, rather, there was.


> Or see the modern house of today

The House of the Future, which featured mostly stuff that's in the modern house of today (but wasn't then).


> And you could fly in flying saucers but eventually
> They up and flew away

There used to be flying saucers that would hover above the ground, but they kept breaking and such, so they were removed.


> Later I was drifting on a boat with no sails or oars
> I was surrounded by shrieking little boys and little girls

This is "it's a small world".


> Like listening to the tower of Babel, each one politely instructed me

They sing in different languages.


> On the state of our crazy little world

It's a world of laughter, a world of tears. It's a world of hope and a world of fears.


> And the boat makes its way to a quaint little town
> Full of murdering rapists and thieves

Well, it's a different boat. This is the Pirates of the Caribbean.


> And a little girl who later became famous
> Lived in sticks among the trees

This is about the Swiss Family Robinson treehouse. The little girl was Helen Hunt. Except that, doing an IMDb search just now, I found out that she wasn't in the Disney version but rather in a TV movie and show. Curses.


> And the circus was in town but it left very quickly
> Taking its Ferris wheel with

Once they tried a circus, but it was a horrible disaster and they got rid of it very quickly. There was also, for a short time, a Ferris wheel, but I'm not sure whether that was at the same time as the circus or not.


> And every house and store, every store, restaurant, and store
> Is based off a centuries-old myth

Fantasyland is based on fairy tales.


> All the subjects in my kingdom were happy
> And everything was going well
> But then the very worst thing that you can imagine happened
> And from then on things weren't so swell

Like koalamom said, these are building up to the next bit:


> When I died
> And they cried

Walt Disney died.


> So right away they built a graveyard for me

The Haunted Mansion opened a couple years after Walt Disney died.


> And I'm buried next to I. P. Freely

The graveyard (the one outside, not in the line) is filled with joke pun names.


> There's a man in the house, kind of tall and pale and thin
> I try to talk but all he does is move his head and grin

At the end of the ride, there are three hitchhiking ghosts: a short, bearded guy (Gus), a big, large guy (Phineas), and a tall, thin, skeleton-like guy (Ezra). These lines in the song are talking about Ezra, who grins and, when he's "in" your car, moves his head.


> And a worker got her head stuck in a ball

Madame Leota's face, the fortune teller's head inside the crystal ball, is the face of an Imagineer (I think she was an Imagineer).


> And another woman was killed in a fall

In the octagonal room, there's the sound of a woman screaming and then hitting the ground.


> What's happening here? Where did the ceiling go?
> Hey, look at that guy -- oh no, oh no, oh no

The ceiling vanishes and a man is hanging from a noose in the rafters.


> And the bears and the bunnies, we resurrected them all
> And we freed the slaves into the waterfall
> Though you'll never see him, that is true

Splash Mountain features characters from Song of the South, but doesn't have the slave himself.


> The man on the train can still see you

The Disneyland Railroad train passes past (through?) part of Splash Mountain, and if it's timed right the passengers can see people on the ride.


> We force the bears to get up, dance, and sing
> And the People for Ethical Animals don't say a thing

Also in Critter Country is a show with dancing, singing animatronic bears.


> No one really feels like seeing the bears
> If it weren't for the waterfall I'd say nobody cares

The bear show is REALLY BORING. In fact, before Splash Mountain came into existence, at any given moment only 2% of the guests at Disneyland would be in Critter Country.


> In the north end of the kingdom there is a brand new town
> With gallons of bright paint just dripping all around

Toontown! It's a living cartoon, you see. And it is in the north end. And it's relatively new (1991 or 1992 or 1993).


> The pied piper took all the mice and every kid
> And apparently this new town is where they all were hid

It's FILLED with children and it also features Mickey and Minnie.


> A bunny and a lady shun that which is green and fizzy
> A good idea, since it's making my driver get all dizzy

The Roger Rabbit ride, also featuring Jessica Rabbit, involves you trying not to get hit by "dip", a green substance from the movie that disintegrates cartoons on contact. You ride around in a taxi and spin a lot.


> And we'll ride around on TinkerToys like we don't give a darn

Gadget's Go-Coaster, a roller coaster for children, looks to me like it's made of really big TinkerToys. And "darn" rhymes with "barn".


> Just stay away from the house, though, because a mouse is in the barn

At Mickey's house you can meet Mickey Mouse in his movie barn.


> Times have changed and many battles have been fought
> Right now there's a grizzly bear in a parking lot

Where there once was a parking lot there now is the California Adventure, complete with a mountain that looks like a bear. Except that it really looks like a wold.


> The world-famous light bulbs are no longer turned on

The Main Street Electrical Parade is gone.


> The bus system of the future has already come and gone

The Rocket Rods, whose gimmick was that they were a prototype for future public transportation, came and left.


> There's another movie theater but this one has color flicks

At Downtown Disney there are loads of shops and restaurants and there's even an AMC movie theater (and they don't just show Disney movies, either - we saw Shrek).


> And you can ride back to the Orient on a space train just for kicks

You can go on the monorail back to Tomorrowland.


> The little famous girl in the tree no longer lives up there
> Instead there's a long-haired youth who likes to surf on air

The Swiss Family Robinson treehouse is now Tarzan's treehouse.


> -Eric "The King" Sleator

"The King" was the title of the song.

-Eric "Yesterday Disneyland turned 46" Sleator
Wed 18 Jul A.D. 2001