It is time to fire all reports that report on box office grosses and replace them with people who don't thrive so much on puns. For a long time now, box office headlights have read things like:

"Con Air soars at the box office."
"Maverick rides to the top."
"Titanic stays afloat."

I'm sure this summer will see:

"Long climb up Notting Hill."
"The Haunting scares up another $10 million."
"The Runaway Bride runs away at the box office."
"Eyes Wide Shut shuts out competition."
"Lake Placid calms down 40%."

These are all bad enough. But now this kind of reporting has become mandatory, even for titles for which there aren't any puns that even mean anything. I've actually seen:

"Phantom Menace menaces box office."
"Never Been Kissed french kisses another $5 million."

What the heck do these headlines MEAN?

Before the summer is out, I also expect to see:

"The Muse ponders another $6 million."
"Austin Powers 2 powers up."
"Inspector Gadget's box office gizmo."
"An Ideal Husband marries box office."
"Tarzan swings on a $25 million vine."
"The General has another Daughter at the box office."
"Muppets From Space spaces out."

Coming to entertainment news magazines and web sites this summer....