Forgive me if this seems (a little?) disordered...

Thursday was the night of the Anti-Formal, the answer my friends and I gave to our school's semi-formal. We distracted ourselves with anime movies and fake tickets. I think I may have internally named this night the anniversary of Ives. I worried this week that I would kill myself thinking too much this night. Upon noticing that I didn't, I promptly, unintentionally began to correct it.

I've thought about her a lot. More than I should have. Not good signs for my new philosophies. I worry about betraying people, abusing people to my own ends. These thoughts I have of her make me a danger to everyone I know, and sometimes I don't care. But watching my dreams played out by different actors have terrorized my roots in reality.

I've created so many alternate scenarios in my mind that reality is simply becoming one of them. As I type I try to see my words from both sides at the same time, and I pledge to myself not to rewrite anything, as this is my pure thought.

I find myself wishing for things I thought I never would, wishing for the pain of others, to which I feel indifference. I question my own motives as I struggle to maintain functionality with those others. I begin to ponder my worth.

This weekend I have work to do. I need to put together the school newspaper. A new article comes in, about a former student who committed suicide. Wonderful Christmas news. I find myself strangely unreactive, though I (slightly) knew the victim. After that I need to write an essay and do some calculus.

Laziness settles and I don't want to do anything. I lack the will and the energy. I want nothing more than isolation.

I think of her again and again, in situations infinite and unfolding by seconds. I question whether my philosophy has restrained me forever, whether it is nobler to follow this calling or to return to what I call "normal".

The things I don't know magnify in my mind, painting evermore the collage of my anti-reality. Logic flows back and forth, and the river stands still.

Why can't I think?