These are sort of disconnected thoughts, and I apologize for it.

I've traveled around northern Orange County by myself, via bus. Probably a stupid thing to do in retrospect, sometimes going 10-20 miles away from "home" with no reliable way of getting back should something go wrong (but what choice did I have then?), but I did alright, obviously.

I do have roommates in my apartment, fortunately, but I have essentially been living on my own for months now, and I think I'm doing OK.

I gave up being paranoid a long time ago. I grew up around way too much paranoia, and I got sick of it. I mean, why? I'm equipped with enough common sense and good judgment to be aware of myself and my surroundings and to be cautious in situations that merit caution. Beyond that, nothing will save me -- everything else is up to chance. Why worry so much about the part that has nothing to do with what I do in the first place?

I don't worry about random, "strange" noises. I listened to drunkards walk down my corner and neighbors have, ah, "domestic disputes" on the street when I was back home, sometimes nightly. I also lived with a bunch of cats, so there were plenty of strange noises from within the house! ;) I got used to them there, and now if I hear something outside my window, I don't worry about it.

The neighborhood I sit in the middle of now is better than the neighborhood I lived in back home in Visalia. Mom was hesitant to let me walk three blocks to school, midday, back then. Now I just go where I need, whether by car, bus or foot.

I stopped being automatically afraid of poor people a long time ago, a prejudice I feel too many people have -- just because they aren't dressed middle-classy doesn't mean they're going to stick me if I smile at them.

Getting out on my own was good for me. Being able to interact with other people out there without worrying about whether they're going to kill me or rape me -- that's nice. (I mean, I'm just standing in line at the mini-mart, for goodness' sake.) Going to sleep at night and knowing that I just successfully made it through another day all on my own -- I bought my own groceries, cooked my own meals, did my own laundry, paid my own bills, did my own homework -- and not worrying about not having a "safety" person around me, whether a parent or just a guy -- that's nice. Going out during the day and doing what needs to be done, without having to worry about whether I'm doing it the way (whoever I'm going out with, ie Mom) prefers it done -- that's nice too.

Cliche, but I honestly believe I was unable to really form myself, as a full person, until I was able to claim some independence.

Just... get out there. Stay aware of yourself, that's a skill you *do* need, and to attempt autonomy without it is foolish, but don't worry too much. Establish yourself, be safe, but enjoy yourself.

Ri "and I can sit at the computer as long as I want!! ;)" a