> I remember envisioning myself in college when I was little. I remember thinking that by then, I'd have the world figured out; I'd be on the road to some great career (it was always acting, when I was small); I'd be confident and a leader and I'd kick butt at everything.
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> And now I'm there. And I'm scared. And frustrated. And anything else in direct opposition to what I thought I'd be like. There it sits, the big blank box in the electronic scholarship application, waiting for me to fill it in, with the heading, "CAREER GOALS." And I just sit there, looking at this blank box, feeling so absolutely helpless and ignorant and stupid... It feels like I'm driving down the road of my life through that Tule fog, and I keep trying to see further ahead than the fog will allow me. No matter how hard I strain, I can only see the two feet or so directly in front of me. I can't tell if the road bends ahead; I can't tell where it forks; I can't tell which sidestreet is wider and safer and more comfortable than the rest. And the folks who have been through the fog are calling me on my cell phone, saying, "Which street are you on? Which one are you going to go down?" And all I can do is cry, "I don't know! I can't see!" And then I feel stupid I feel this way and take it out on my family, by yelling at them when they try to help me with this huge decision or crying or something. And that's probably a stupid analogy. Deal with it.
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> One part of me is like, hey, study whatever interests you right now and don't worry about the future; you can always change your career later. That sounds pretty good, except everything that interests me has pretty much nil career outlook, or not the outlook I want, like music or writing. And another part of me says, hey, pick the career you'd most like to have, and go for it. And that's great, but I don't know what that is. For the longest time--until earlier this year, in fact--I wanted to work as a designer for the Mattel Barbie division. But I don't like sewing. I don't have the patience to do it right, especially on a tiny scale. And I hate the city so much that I don't know if I could live in Los Angeles (actually, the Mattel Barbie headquarters are in El Segundo, for those of you who know where that is, but the entire southern portion of California is either LA or San Diego to me) for the rest of my life. I need my crickets and my open space. So, taking that into consideration, I have just consigned myself to either A) commuting 2 hours+ the rest of my life, B) becoming a farrier, vet, agriculture guru, or other career that does not interest me, or C) running my parents' business when they retire. *sigh*
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> My dad keeps trying to get me to see a career counselor. Maybe I should, but then I think there's no way they're going to be able to help me. I'm not like most kids, looking for a "regular" career (but then I've only got until next fall to decide on a major). I don't want to be stuck behind a desk all day doing paperwork someone else told me to do. I don't want to be a doctor, lawyer, teacher, or policeman. I'm not weird enough to be an art person, not right-brained enough to want to go into anything requiring loads of science or math. It leaves kind of a narrow range of things. For a while, I was seriously thinking about studying movie directing at UCLA, but that seems like a sure shot at failure. Then there's editing. I'm semi-talented with grammar (though just ask Sam and gremlinn and they will tell you how I don't know a conjunction from a preposition ;-P), and enjoy reading/writing and LOVE correcting people (:-P again), so that might not be a bad choice. I do love design, so perhaps graphic design would be an option. Then I think maybe I should get a BA in business and see where I can go with that, but everyone and his brother is getting business degrees these days. I just don't know. All I know is I want to pick what I'm going to enjoy and make enough money at to be comfortable. And I want to succeed. That's a big thing, too. And then this little thought I like to play with comes into my head and says, "Professional Scouters start out at $35,000 a year and get to go hiking and camping."
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> I keep praying for God to direct my path in spite of myself, and I know He's always in control and won't give me more than I can handle. And I know have to trust Him, but that doesn't mean by any standard that it's easy to do so. Pray for me, if you're so inclined. And/or recount how you dealt with this period in your life. I can use all the help I can get.
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> La"You can delete this, Sam, if you want: just typing it makes me feel better"Zorra

You're normal.
Howard