I never read the forum anymore - every now and then, I'll skim to see if there's anything interesting, usually when I'm procrastinating (thank you, Sam, for starting a thread which served as such a valuable procrastination tool this fine Sunday afternoon). I honestly just don't have time for it. I'm one of the busiest people I've ever met, and reading however many new posts every day just isn't conceivable.

I suppose I could have time for chat once every couple of days, but I've had my reasons for avoiding that, too - partly business, yes, but partly also my own insecurities and relationship problems with other people here. There are people on Rinkworks who just plain do not like me. I can understand some of their reasons, and some of them I don't, but when I started feeling like a point of contention among the college-aged-y Rinky-dinks, I just plain backed off. I've lost some dear friendships because of that, and I mourn those, but I'm not sure I made the wrong decision.

My first forum post was 4 years and 2 weeks ago today. I wouldn't say I ever really feel like a newbie anymore, but there are certainly times when I feel like I don't really fit here - that I've removed myself from the others around my age, and that I'm too young for the Sam/Dave/Brunnen-G/Darien/et alum group, and that therefore my presence just isn't at all appreciated.

I liked it a lot more when I was fifteen and everyone's kid sister - now I'm eighteen and I still feel like everyone's kid sister and I'm not quite so fond of it. There are definitely days when I get grumpy because my name is never mentioned along with the other old-timers, and because people who have only been here for two years are ops in RinkChat, and I'm not. Sam had a good reason for removing me from the position when he did, and I suppose it's not worth making me an op now that I'm not around much, but I've grown up a lot since then, and sometimes I feel like nobody realizes it. I suppose that's as good an example of my discomfort as any.

I'm not trying to blame anyone for my insecurities - I'm just saying that they're there, and they're persistent, and things I've been struggling with in my relationships with Rinkydinks for years, and a huge part of the reason why I'm not around a lot.

But... I can't seem to stay away. I'll go weeks without sticking my nose in chat, but I always come back because of the friendships I DO have here, and because of the people I care about and who care about me. In the end it doesn't matter that there are people I'm supremely uncomfortable being in chat with. I know that the RinkUnion this summer would be uncomfortable for me, but I'm still sad I won't be there. I have friends here who have been there for me countless times over the last four years. I know I would be a different person if it weren't for Rinkworks, and I'm not sure I like the person I would be.

So... conclusion? I'm not sure. Rinkworks hurts me, in a lot of ways, but in even more ways, it's been worth it.

Lyn"I think mostly I'm just dumb"ette