A Romantic Comedy for Eric
Stephen, on host 68.7.169.211
Sunday, December 15, 2002, at 01:54:56
Re: root canals and teambuilding exercises posted by Eric Sleator on Saturday, December 14, 2002, at 23:06:03:
> I hate romantic comedies, but if Stephen writes one I'll be first in line to see it.
Here you go. Feel free to film it:
INT. -- A GYMNASIUM
(A group of about 20 OFFICE WORKERS are gathered in a GYMNASIUM for some team-building exercises. They are led by CRAIG, a ruggedly handsome man in his early 30s. He is standing in front of them speaking in an excited motivational-speaker kind of voice.)
CRAIG I'd like to welcome you all to a day of what's sure be a real paradigm shift for all of you. We're going to learn about trusting our co-workers and help you all work more effectively in a dynamic work-environment...
(As he continues to speak, we pan over to DANA and her friend JANE. Dana is a beautiful woman in her late 20s, dressed in professional office attire. Jane is a bit less attractive and dressed more eccentricly.)
JANE (whispering to Dana) I wouldn't mind reshifting his paradigm...
DANA (stifling a laugh) Ssshh! We'll get in trouble. He's not my type anyway. Listen to how he drones on. He is kind of cute, though.
CRAIG ...so now what I want you all to do is to pair up. One of you will close your eyes and walk in front of your partner. The other parnter will hold your shoulders and lead you around the gym. When you've made a full lap, switch partners. Let's get to it!
JANE (to Dana) You get to be the blind one first.
DANA What? Don't you trust me?
JANE Of course I do. It's just that I've seen you run into walls when your eyes were open.
(Dana rolls her eyes at Jane, but stands in front of Jane and closes her eyes. Jane leads her around the gym, but as they come to the first corner Jane turns her head to admire Craig, who happens to be stretching in the corner of the room. Distracted, Jane lets Dana walk into the wall at a nice clip, knocking her over.)
JANE Oh my god! I'm so sorry!
(Craig rushes over.)
CRAIG What happened?
JANE She... uh... passed out. I think you might have to perform CPR!
(Craig is checking for a pulse as Dana stirs. We see her P.O.V. looking up at Craig as he hovers over her, and then bends down to give her CPR.)
DANA (pushing him away) Hey!
(Suddenly, one of the gymnasium walls EXPLODES. A score of six-legged alien beasts swarms in. The creatures are the size of oxen and have three heads, each with a set of pointed teeth.)
CRAIG What the hell??
(The aliens begin devouring the office workers, who vainly search for cover in the empty gymnasium. Blood flows freely and the floors are covered with various body tissues.)
CRAIG (protecting the women) Run for it! I'll try and take them!
(An alien sees Craig, and lunges from across the room. The creature whips its barbed tail through his chest, killing him instantly. One of the alien's heads devours Craig's brains in a few seconds.)
(Dana and Jane both scream as three aliens converge on them. They try to run, but they have no chance against the killing machines. They are messilly devoured.)
(We pan across the wreckage of the gym, which is now a slaughterhouse. Body parts are strewn about and the walls are stained a deep sanguine. Satisfied that all the humans are dead, the aliens go out the way they came.)
FADE TO BLACK
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