I suppose I don't know your father any more than you do (surely, less than what you've heard of him) but I can't help but doubt he'd wish death for you personally. I mean, it sounds like he was more against the concept of any child at all, because of the responsibility, time, money, self-sacrificing, etc. the baby would entail. I can understand this, and it's something I would certainly fear before having children; I'd have to make sure I was perfectly ready before that time came. This is all fine and dandy before conception, because there's no life at stake yet.

Your father's reaction was probably one of fear--he did not want to deal with all of the things listed above, but he knew that if he didn't do something about the baby, he would have to face them. Now, I don't know why adoption wasn't one of the options he offered, but that's more of a personality/beliefs issue and I wouldn't know how it applied to him specifically. I can bet, though, that one of his main goals was to never see the child, because he knew deep down inside that once he laid eyes on your delicate little body, your beautiful little toes and your bright blue eyes, it would be a lot harder for him to follow through with his decision. That's the fatherly instinct in probably every man: The baby doesn't seem real until he sees it, then the reality of fatherhood sets in and he can't let anything bad happen to the baby. This is unlike motherhood, I suppose, where the baby seems entirely real from the first stage of pregnancy (but I can't say that particular statement as if I actually know what I'm talking about).

Anyway, I think you can rest assured that your father had nothing against YOU personally. He didn't know you, see you, or experience your presence. He never talked to you; you never talked to him. He doesn't know the things you've done or the accomplishments you've made. He may not even know your name. The point I'm trying to make is that he didn't want to kill YOU. He wanted to weed out an additional element of stress from his life. Not that I'm saying you were especially stressful as a child; what I mean is that every baby is a *huge* responsibility, even a burden, for parents. Just a fact of life. I'm sure that if you had somehow managed to avoid being a "handful" (though no one can do that) your father would have loved you and embraced you for the amazing person you are. It's just too bad some people are self-centered like that.

Well, I guess by now I sound like I'm trying to defend your dad. Actually, that's pretty far from the truth. He had a decision to make, and I think he chose the wrong solution. A very wrong solution. Pretty stupid, too, if you ask me. I'm just trying to point out that he's likely not "all evil" or anything like that. He's just a guy with his own wants and needs, and that ever-present, sometimes-good-and-sometimes-bad thing we call human nature. He made a big mistake, one that concerns you more than anyone else. But it's important to keep that in focus, too: it was a *mistake*. Try not to think of him as some sort of heartless killer or anything like that. He's still your dad and all you should do is love him for that. I mean, face it... he may have rejected you, but to be honest you wouldn't be alive today without him, so at least you can be thankful for that.

Well, I'm not sure exactly what I'm trying to say. I think I have the same problem you do about making sense when I post. Maybe what I've said is way off-base or something. I haven't experienced parenthood yet, so I'm probably not the best person to be explaining it. :-) Anyhow, I think the purpose of this rant was to get my thoughts about your post into written form. Not that it will necessarily help you or anybody, but I figured that since your message had provoked so much more brain activity in me than most messages on the Forum, it was worth saying something about. Heh. I gave up trying to make sense long ago. At least *I* know what I mean. :-) Oh yeah, I'm definitely praying for you.

-useless"Always lowercase, that's just my style"ness