In April 1998 Richard and I were told that our son (then only 8 years old) had cancer. One of my first questions to the doctor was "Did this happen because I smoked when I was pregnant?" (A fact that I am not proud of.) The answer was no, it had nothing to do with the fact that I smoked while carrying this child in my body. Nor did any form of second hand smoke cause it after he was born.
I can not even begin to tell you all that we went through that year. Having your child waste away to nothing before your eyes changes a person, and not always in good ways.
Example ...sitting by the child's side in a hospital room as the nurse starts another chemo treatment. You know what's coming later that day but you try not to think about that right now....now you try to be cheerful , on the outside at least.
Shortly the child falls asleep, the room is quite...you sit and wait.
Then comes the low grade fever, soon the child is awake vomiting violently. The vomiting continues all of that day and well into the night.
You find yourself diapering a child that has been out of them for over 6 years, because they cannot make it to the toilet due to the chemo induced diarrhea.
You try to stay calm and soothing for the child. Inside a little more of you dies.
As the long day wears on into evening the child is vomiting up bile . Not just normal vomiting though, the whole body trembles and turns bright red with the force and stain of it.
Now come the dry heaves, and in the middle of one of these your child turns to you. Giant tears streaming down a small, helpless, red face, and the child is begging with you to "Please make it stop!" Outwardly you rock,cradle and reassure. Inwardly though you know you have just felt your own heart shatter into a million pieces with no hope of ever getting it back together again.
It does grow back , a few years later, but at the time you can't imagine how it ever will.

I still have my son...I can't imagine what it would have been like to go through all that we did month after month and still lose him. I do understand your anger at her smoking, but I also understand how it can happen. I did not start smoking again, but I did start drinking again, for awhile.( after the kids went to sleep - as if that matters) If given a second chance to , try being a friend to her...that's probably what she needs the most.
Joanna