I've got a pointless English gripe and this is my soapbox...

Why do people say "one" instead of "somebody" or "a person?" I just read one of DarkNova's posts, which says "Sounds like enough sugar to make one explode." Now, not to pick on DarkNova (because this particular quirk of the language has always gotten on my nerves, not just because of the post) but why would anyone use that word to mean something completely different? I looked up the word "one" in the dictionary and one of its definitions -- way down the list, mind you -- is the one I'm talking about: "an unspecified individual; anyone." I think the pronoun "one" carries a distinct snobby (sorry, SCHNOBBY) connotation and I can't help but flinch whenever I hear it.

Take, for example, the sentence "One can appreciate the colors and artistry of the Van Gogh painting." Sounds pretty schnobby, doesn't it? But look at these alternates:
"Anyone can appreciate the colors and artistry of the Van Gogh painting."
"You can appreciate the colors and artistry of the Van Gogh painting."
"Art critics can appreciate the colors and artistry of the Van Gogh painting."
"Joe Blow can appreciate the colors and artistry of the Van Gogh painting."
"Everybody can appreciate the colors and artistry of the Van Gogh painting."

See what I mean? What's the use of being so purposefully vague? Is it supposed to invoke some kind of deep, philosophical musing in the minds of all who read it? Are we supposed to wonder just *who* the "one" is? Am I supposed to feel special because *I* could be that "one?" Or is it just a so-phis-ti-cated way of writing "insert name here?" Whatever its purpose, I petition to put an end to it. And no, I'm really not just picking on DarkNova. Sorry. :-)

Now then, there is another particularly annoying part of the language that also rubs me the wrong way. It is the phrase "on my person," like in the sentence "I like to carry my car keys on my person." Hello?!? I *am* my person. And I'll keep the keys in my pocket, thank you very much. I believe this phrase is just another spillover from the foreign schnobs who like to speak of themselves in the third-person perspective.

I think that some time ago, there was a stuffy upper-class dinner party somewhere in Europe, and its host was the illustrious nobleman, Mr. Charles. The meal was just finished and everyone was relaxing in the lounge smoking expensive tobacco from ivory pipes, when Mr. Charles addressed his guests. It just so happened that he was carrying a good deal of Asian money that evening, and revealed this to them in a rather mysterious manner. See, Mr. Charles didn't want to say, "I am carrying 50,000 Japanese yen." He (being eccentric, of course) was quite content to say, "On the person of Mr. Charles is located a sum of 50,000 Japanese yen." Naturally, his guests found this new manner of speech to be quite intriguing, and since several of them (yes, the drunk ones) were lexicographers for the Oxford Dictionary, this miserable practice became grammatically legal and has fallen into unfortunately common use. It is also a very high-ranking item on my brief list of personal pet peeves. Incidentally, Mr. Charles was found unconscious in the backyard several hours after the dinner party had ended, his pockets emptied and his person thoroughly mussed up. I just made all that up.

It is time for a major reform in the English language. If anyone would like to volunteer to lead the way in this revolution, I will be happy to follow behind, raising the flag and shouting battle cries. Or something like that. I'm starting to wonder if the post I just typed makes any sense at all. I'd better proofread it or something. On second thought, I'll just go to bed now. G'night.

-useless"See what college-level summer night classes can do to a man?"ness