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> I am about to pull all my hair out!! My 12 year old son has really been floundering this school year. He has lied about homework, doesn't finish his class work, and never studies for any test unless I make him. Way too much has happened to post all of it , but in a nut shell he just doesn't seem to care.

> I have talked with all his teachers.

> I don't know what else to do. Sometimes I think I am doing too much, and that is what's keeping him from standing on his own two feet. I know if I back off though he will flunk this school year.
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> His behavior is even effecting my 7 year old daughter. She really resents him for taking up so much of my time.
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> What should I do? Keep on his butt till school gets out , or let him stand on his own and learn to sink or swim? He has been through so much in his short life time. I don't want him to feel like I'm giving up on him. At the same time I don't want to be manipulated and lied to either.

Joanna

I'm not a parent, and (in US terms) I just barely class as an adult, so this whole post is opinion founded on an unstable, inexperienced base. Just thought I'd warn you before I go on.

The thing is, I think you're letting your son walk all over you. All of the banning, threats, cajoling etc - it may seem like you're punishing him, but this is the response he expects from you. As you reach adolescence, you start to push people, especially your parents, to get a rise out of them (I personally remember one fateful afternoon when I found myself flying backwards still in the seated position after saying something particularily nasty to my Dad). As nasty as this sounds, he WANTS to see you upset.

Tell you what - I'd let the little bugger sink if thats what he wants - at the age of 12, its not as if he's never going to get a degree. The only person that'll lose out is him - all of his friends will move on a year and he'll be stuck with the same old teachers.

I'm not saying you should let him run loose, mind - still keep checks on him, but instead of spending ages going on at him about the importance of schoolwork, just play it a bit more detached, like you have better things to do.

"I see you haven't done your homework"

*grunt*

"Well, its your life you're ruining. Personally I don't have the time to sit around watching you screw it up. TV ariel is unplugged, you are grounded, heres a copy of "A tale of two cities" which a report is due on next week for your English class. Have fun!"

And then go and do some finger-painting with your daughter.

By all means talk to the school psychologist, but remember, there are THOUSANDS of kids who have gone through the same sort of behaviour (responding negatively to EVERYTHING, and then getting mad when they accidentally talk themselves out of ice-cream or a treat) and grow up normal. Or semi-normal anyway. If anyone advises you within an hour of meeting you or your son that he needs to go on medication IMMEDIATELY, then get a second opinion. Or a third. Theres no quick cure for hormones.

Bo"Thats what you get for having a boy. Get him a copy of "London Calling" by the Clash and let him work it out himself"urne