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> I am about to pull all my hair out!! My 12 year old son has really been floundering this school year. He has lied about homework, doesn't finish his class work, and never studies for any test unless I make him. Way too much has happened to post all of it , but in a nut shell he just doesn't seem to care.
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> I have talked , warned, begged, threatened to go to his classes with him, restricted tv and video games, and only the Lord knows how much I've prayed ( and cried ) for him this year. Nothing I do or say has had any lasting results.
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> I have talked with all his teachers. They have been very good about informing me of any bad grades, etc. His teachers and I have done everything we can think of for him. He just will not try unless he is pushed, pulled, or dragged every step of the way.
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> I don't know what else to do. Sometimes I think I am doing too much, and that is what's keeping him from standing on his own two feet. I know if I back off though he will flunk this school year.
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> His behavior is even effecting my 7 year old daughter. She really resents him for taking up so much of my time.
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> What should I do? Keep on his butt till school gets out , or let him stand on his own and learn to sink or swim? He has been through so much in his short life time. I don't want him to feel like I'm giving up on him. At the same time I don't want to be manipulated and lied to either.
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> Jo"parenting can really suck sometimes"anna

Oooooh, I hear you ;-)

Whether you find the cause is depression (do check that out), his just being an ornery 12 year old, or whatever:

I don't think , in the meantime, you can totally let him sink. 12 year olds are notoriously short-sighted and even the consequence of having to repeat a grade may not seem real to him, since that's *next year*. Yet to constantly have to badger someone into doing what they're supposed to be doing is not reasonable either. So, a couple of practical points I hope may help:

In order to circumvent the lying and manipulating about grades, you might request (if you haven't done so already) from the school a weekly "report card" that shows not just overall grade, but also whether all assignments were turned in for each class. If you can't rely on your son not to "forget" to bring it home, then pick it up yourself, phone the school, have them e-mail it--whatever. Most schools will be glad to work with you. The point is that both you and he know there is a Day of Reckoning once a week, and that there's no point in lying about it or making excuses, because there it will be,
in black & white, no two ways about it.

During the week, while you're waiting for the DOR, try to keep reminders, cajoling, pleading etc about homework & assignments down to a minimum. An occasional reminder, "are you leaving enough time to do your homework?" is okay, but constant nattering is out. At some point he does have to *own* the whole homework school thing--they're *his* grades that *he* has earned. And as you've seen, the nattering doesn't really work that well anyway.

This is very hard to do! I know! But it helps you to back off a little emotionally, gain a little objectivity, and eases the daily friction a bit.

The other thing is, find something to praise your son about every day (not necessarily school related). Sometimes it's hard to see past the negative when you've got a kid like this; I'm sure, *he* has a hard time seeing past it too, whether he acts like it or not. Positive words can only help.

On the Day of Reckoning, sit down with your kid and talk about the report card in a matter-of-fact way. "I see you turned in three of your assignments, that's great. I appreciate that effort (throw in more praise). I see you didn't turn in two of your assignments. What kept you from turning in your assignments? (Expect excuses.)
Do not accept excuses, simply ask, matter-of --factly, "and what is your plan to overcome that obstacle next week?" Help him think out an action plan. Write it down.
Hand out rewards/discipline you think appropriate.

Key points:
Keep it business-like. If you get emotional, he'll get emotional, everyone will stop thinking, and nothing will be accomplished.
Reinforce the things he did right.
Focus on solving problems, not fixing blame/excuses.
Be consistent. DOR should be the same day, time, reward/discipline structure each week.
Make your expectations crystal clear. Make them realistic.

Again, this is very hard to do! I know! I haven't met any twelve year old who wants to sit down with parents and talk school strategy. Expect resistance. Do not cave ;-)

koala"and remember--this too shall pass"mom