I got this...somewhere. Some message board. I didn't write it, but thought it was funny ;-)

Prologue

Sauron: I'm taking over the world, but here's some jewellery.
Men, Elves and Dwarves: Oh. Okay then.
Galadriel: I was hoping for some bracelets, but whatever.

Isildur: I'm sick of being jerked around. I get the ring, no one gets hurt. Mmmkay?
Orcs: No. Not mmmkay.
Gollum: My ring rockssssss!
Bilbo: What's with you?
Gollum: I'm a nudist. And your ancestor, jerk.
Bilbo: YOINK!

Shire

Bilbo: I wanna keep my ring!
Gandalf: You'd never make it as a zen monk.
Frodo: Man, I'm really enjoying the whole absence of terror and despair.
Gandalf: I know, but where is the epic fun in that?
Frodo: So what's the deal?
Gandalf: Apocalypse via mean accessory.
Frodo: I say we go camping.

Merry: I'm indistinguishable from Pippin. Call us Mippin.
Frodo: Do you *have* to come with us?
Mippin: Yes. We are wanted for felony in several Farthings.
Black Rider: Even bugs run from me. I'm so lonely. Talk to me, little man.
Hobbits: Uh... Run?
Black Rider: Darn. They ran. Now what do I do?
Frodo: Your horse is really kinda slow.
Black Rider: I know. Transportation is not our best export.

Road To Rivendell

Strider: Take me with you. I stride real good.
Mippin: You're shifty.
Frodo: But rugged.
Strider: At this point I normally preen, but you can't see it under the dirt.

Frodo: Shouldn't I be dead by now?
Black Riders: We are under contract to move only in slow motion.
Frodo: I'll put on the ring if it will help.
Black Riders: Thanks so much. *STAB!*
Frodo: OW.
Arwen: Look, I'm really not that bad.
Frodo: My vision! I see everything as if through a sheen of vaseline!
Black Riders: Join Mordor. The effects are cooler.
Arwen: If you want him, please put in a written application at the head office.
Black Riders: Screw this. We are going swimming.

Rivendell

Arwen: You look so yummy after a shower. Death schmeth, I'm staying.
Aragorn: Should I talk you out of it? Nah.
The Council: Why are we even bothering? Everyone knows Frodo takes the bloody ring.
Elrond: I know. I just wanted an occasion to wear the nice robes.

On the road:

Mippin: We are so cute!
Frodo: And how much do I love the scenery?
Gandalf: This quest is too easy. Let's climb the local Everest.
Legolas: Cool! I can show off my Jesus-on-water walk.
Frodo: See, now I can't walk at all. I have an avalanche on my head.

Moria

Gandalf: The gates of Moria. A marvel of skill. None have seen such beauty since their makers bit the dust.
Cthulhu: Mrrr?
Frodo: Gandalf? Please open the door.
Cthulhu: People! I missed people! Come play with me!
Frodo: HELP!
Aragorn: I rain my fu upon you, monster!
Cthulhu: There is no need for violence. I'm an important part of the local ecosystem. Ow. Ow. Ow.

Gollum: Gollum. Gollum.
Frodo: We still have two movies and I'm already sick of him.
Gandalf: I know. Just concentrate on the scenery and tune him out.
Gimli: I wonder if there is a lesson here about the folly and arrogance of my people?
Gandalf: With all the dead bodies and faded glory? Gee, I don't know.
Orcs: This is all very deep, but we have an action sequence to do.
Cave troll: Raaaaaaa!
Frodo: OW.
Sam: How is it that you're alive?
Frodo: Designer chainmail.

Gandalf: I'm really a fine Shakespearean actor. Check it out: YOU! SHALL NOT! PASS!
Aragorn: The monster isn't here yet.
Gandalf: Oh. Let's pass the time by breaking some stairs.
Balrog: I HATE TOURISTS! I HATE THEM!
Gandalf: TOO FREAKING BAD!
Frodo: Please don't die. I am already a walking bag of trauma.
Gandalf: DON'T WORRY! I'LL COME BACK LATER! HAVE FUN!
Lorien
Galadriel: The world is full of fear and pain.
Frodo: It's like she's reading my mind.
Galadriel: I am, stupid.
Frodo: I'm about to be swallowed by a flaming black vortex!
Galadriel: Actually, that's an eye.
Frodo: Seriously?
Galadriel: Try to focus. The ring is bad.
Frodo: You're welcome to it.
Galadriel: IT MIGHT BE VERY FUN BUT I THINK I BETTER NOT!

Riverside

Frodo: Meh. Nobody wants the ring.
Boromir: What do you mean? I want the ring.
Frodo: I was just venting. Go away.
Boromir: Lil' pest.
Urukhai: Raaaaaa!
Aragorn: *WHAM!*
Urukhai: *WHAM!*
Boromir: OW.
Aragorn: Boromir, you poor thing.
Boromir: I love you.
Aragorn: Now you tell me.

Eris"still hasn't seen the movie"inia