I'm sitting here watching "She" - specifically, I'm gaping in amazement at Xenon - and it occurs to me that this movie should be remade.

I take a few moments to collect myself, and try to ascertain what type of mania possibly could have made me think a movie as bad as "She" deserved to be remade. So I approach the problem logically. What, then, does the movie *have?*

First off, it has Sandahl Bergman. And she is, coincidentally, the first thing that has to go. Along with her can go everyone else, too, for my money - except perhaps for David Traylor, who plays the indcredible (and, I should think, hideously daunting) role of Xenon with such energy and such relish that, in my opinion, he's earned his keep. But the rest of these dinks can go. Starting with Sandahl Bergman. No, actually, I've changed my mind - starting with Harrison Muller, Jr., who is probably the most annoying man in the history of sidekicks.

After we get rid of the cast, we could proceed by doing an overhaul on the script. It's not actually all that bad - I'm inclined to blame more of the film's badness on the actors and the director than the script, which actually does contain a few genuinely good lines - but it needs work. Avi Nesher - the film's director - has to go. A quick look through his IMDb profile shows that he has never been associated with any films that could honestly be called "any good," and it shows.

Also, a budget for sets higher than $16.50 might help, though I'd say they actually did a fairly good job with the costumes, which were apparenly salvaged from the dumpster out in back of Spencer's.

So what are we left with? Not much, really - just the film's quirky atmosphere. But that alone might justify a remake - it comes so close to working so many times, only to be bungled up by the threadbare acting and directing.

So start over. Get someone who knows "quirky" at the helm this time - Tim Burton springs immediately to mind, though I could also see John Dahl having some fun with this. Ditch Bergman and bring in Sigourney Weaver to play She - there's a woman with enough presence to pull off being a warrior-goddess. Keep Traylor, and keep Xenon, but rework his scenes - Xenon himself is not only the most interesting character in *this* movie, but quite possibly the most interesting character in *any* movie I've seen lately. He just needs to be taken in a direction other than "annoying."

Rating: Three Turkeys (I'd have given it four, but Dick's whining got to me. Sorry)

Best line: Tom's (unprintable here) response to the statement "Your friend seems slightly overenthusiastic."

Scene to watch for: Any time Xenon is on the screen.

Things that make you go "huh?": Nork himself.