ALL NIGHTLY NEWS SHOWS

Host: Tonight, we have the latest in the development of [news item.] But first, you have to wait through SPORTS, commercials, local WEATHER, commercials, world weather, COMMERCIALS, a minor variation on a pointless sob story, commercials, an ANIMAL-SAVNG-SMALL-CHILD story, commercials, a blurb reminding you that there will be the news later on, DOUBLE-LENGTH commercials, a regional pride story plus a statistic invented by the person who chugged the most espresso that morning, commercials, a health SCARE story, and then at the end of the show, in half the screen while the credits are playing in the other half, the NEWS. Thank you and good night.
(Audience FALLS ASLEEP for the WHOLE PROGRAM, then wakes up at the end and feels INFORMED.)


FRIENDS, etc.

Witty Character: Bye! I'll be back later to MAKE FUN of Loser Character!
(Loser Character RUINS a piece of FURNITURE, a DATE, or gets in trouble with the LAW.)
(Others FRET.)
Witty Character: Hey, why didn't you just do [instant solution]?
Studio Audience: (pause) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Audience: Ha. We guess.


COOKING WITH [COOK]

Host: Hello, I speak English NOT WELL, or I have a thick BRITISH ACCENT, or both.
(Host makes food.)
Host: Then you bakes it for a one hour...
(Host does NOT bake food, but pulls out an ALREADY-MADE food.)
Host: See? Simple enough for a Weakest Link contestant! Ha! Ha! Oh, wait, I am not on NBC and I not supposed to say that...
(Next week: New host.)


DAYS OF OUR LIVES, etc.

Character #1: I am a TROUBLED. I play an--Oops!--I mean I am a wealthy non-working model.
Character #2: I am deeply TROUBLED. I am a middle class person who also never works and can afford multiple worldwide vacations each year to foreign countries that look like the other side of this room.
Character #3: I am more deeply TROUBLED. I am not relevant to any PLOT ideas, however, so mostly there are scenes of me eating and giving advice.
Character #4: I was so TROUBLED that I had to leave the show and come back the next week looking like an entirely different person because either I am a different person or I had fourteen cosmetic surgeries.
(Character #1 asks a QUESTION, and the scene ENDS. Characer #2 asks a QUESTION, and the scene ENDS to DRAMATIC MUSIC. Character #3 is seen in the background EATING. Character #4 repeats the QUESTION she asked yesterday, and the SHOW ENDS.)

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