Double Team is a Van Damme (hereafter referred to as JCVD for brevity) film, so it qualifies as a bad, bad, bad bad movie even before the opening credits roll. That said, it's bad even by his standards.

JCVD plays the role of a retired anti-terrorist special agent, or something similar, with a lovely house, a beautiful, loving, pregnant wife (see a looming plot hook?). Anyway, the film opens with a shot of this perfect home life. Supringly for JCVD, his perfect wife manages to survive this opening scene, as his ex-boss turns up to say that this terrorist nemesis of his (hereafter known as Bad Guy) is back in town, and JCVD is the only person who knows him well enough to track him down.

Anyway, JCVD goes off and gets introduced to a hi-tech black-marketeer called Jazz (Dennis Rodman with weird hair). He buys guns. Lots of guns. He then tracks down Bad Guy to a fairground and has a sniper set up to shoot him. For some unknown reason he doesn't give the go-ahead for the shot untill it's far too late and Bad Guy is with his six year old kid.

Bad Guy notices the sniper and pulls out a pistol and shoots said sniper through the scope of the rifle. Then for good measure he chucks a grenade as well. Because that's the kind of person Bad Guy is. He then picks up his kid and uses him as a shield. Predictably, JCVD manages to shoot the kid while aiming for Bad Guy. This gives Bad Guy a reason to hate JCVD, although as far as I can work out, he only had himself to blame.

Anyway, after the fight, JCVD wakes up in the Village. Sorry, I mean the Colony. Everyone has been told he's dead, and he's given a choice of joining volentarily or being gassed. He then gets introduce to the other inmates - all ex-security agents and terrorists that are supposed to be dead. The Village (sorry, Colony) is an ultra-secret anti-terrorism think-tank that no-one in the world knows exists. Eveyone has to wear a tracking device, and the sea around this island are covered with huge great neon laser beams. Despite this, the Village (sorry, Colony) is described as "virtually invisible" from above. Apparantly not actually invisible, but they've been lucky so far.

Anyway, as soon as he is in his apartment, he starts doing excercises (when he's been limping all day from his injuries) and making bizzare plans to escape. At this point I started screaming at the telly "Have you never seen The Prisoner? Don't you think they have hidden cameras in here?" But apparently they don't, because it's only after his very implausible escape that anyone knows anything about this. That's what I call effective security.

It turns out, by the way, that these laser beams (a few inches above the surface) will kill anyone in the water. I didn't understand that, but over all the escape is just too bizzare to go into.

JCVD then turns up back home to find that Bad Guy has kidnapped his wife (who is now just a week or two from giving birth). He tracks down Jazz again, who chooses to help him for no apparent reason. In the meantime, another inmate of the Colony is dispatched to hunt him down.

They go to Bad Guy's secret hideout (or at least the nearst town) and Yazz lines up some trappist monks to provide backup for them. Yazz apparently sold them a supercomputer. Why??? Why on earth would they need that kind of hardware? And how did they afford it? Ah well, we'll never know.

Stuff then happens with lots of exploding and punching, and no plot that I could see. As you'd expect for JCVD, really.

Anyway, JCVD tracks his wife down to the maternity ward of the local hospital having just given birth (obvious, under the circumstances really), and he goes there to get her. Obviously Bad Guy gets wind of this and gos there to create random mayhem.

Bad Guy, in case the audience thinks he isn't that bad overall, throws a grenade in the incubator room (beacuse he's a bad guy, right?), with JCVD just having time to rescue his kid. No mention of the others, though. That's not very effective for JCVD.

JCVD then goes and kills Bad Guy, and the bloke tracking down JCVD turns up, and does nothing. JCVD drives off into the sun set with his wife and kid, and Tracking-Down Bloke has a chat with Yazz, suggesting that Yazz used to be in the Colony. But no-one ever escaped from there, except JCVD, obviously.

And then the titles roll, with half a dozen plot lines just left hanging and the main plot being closed in a very unsatisfying manner.

Rating: 2 turkeys

Things that make you go "Huh?": Take you pick.

Best line: I honestly can't remember a single line from the film.

Scene to watch for: The shootout in the theme park.

winter"supporting Wesley's campaign"mute