February 15, 2000; 12:45pm.

Today has been the best AND the worst day of my LIFE.

It started at 8:33am this morning, when I woke up. I was very tired, and so I wasn't completely awake when I woke up. Picture the scene. I'm lying in bed, gaining consciousness. Then I gain it.

So I brushed my teeth, and I took my vitamins, and I ate some cereal, although I forget what order that all came in. Leen and I are nighttime showerers, so I didn't shower. Also, I didn't have any dreams the night before. So I had gotten up, and I was still waking up, and I saw something on the kitchen counter, and oh my gosh my life is over. The night before, Leen was eating baked tortilla chips and salsa and cream cheese, and I took the salsa and cream cheese to the kitchen for her when she was done, and I refrigerated the salsa, but I FORGOT TO REFRIGERATE THE CREAM CHEESE. It was just lying out there all night, and darn it all I don't know what to do. It made Leen feel really bad, because she likes cream cheese, and the container was nearly full, and she had left one out herself just a few days before, and I felt like a failure of a husband, and lately it seems like we aren't as close as we should be, although we are still really close, and in fact maybe we're even more close than we need to be, but still, the cream cheese thing made us slightly less close, unless of course, as trial and tribulation often does, it ends up bringing us closer together. I just don't know what to think.

So anyway, let me get to the good part. It rules. Here we go. So I was driving to get my hair cut, right, and I drove to the usual place I go to to get my hair cut, but I couldn't get my hair cut, because it was closed! But wait, this turns out good, but I'm going to leave the cliffhanger ending right here and post the conclusion in another post. Ok, no, I can't wait. Here's what happened. I got back in the car and DROVE TO ANOTHER BARBER SHOP. In fact, it was the barber shop in the very familiar town of Durham, NH, which was where I spent the seven most important years of my academic life, and all without a car. I walked everywhere in that town, and it was neat to revisit it on foot again, because I couldn't find a parking space, because Durham is a college town and therefore always short on parking, so I parked way off in a shopping plaza and walked over to the barber shop, which was all the way across the street. And the guy -- get this -- cut my hair.

So anyway, I came home, and I must say, I am SO impressed? Because usually when I get my hair cut there are pieces of cut hair sticking into me? All down my back? And neck? But this time there wasn't, so I made sure to give the guy a good tip for not getting hair down my back, or I would have, if I had realized there was no hair down my back when I gave him his tip. On the down side, that guy doesn't give out free tootsie pops to his customers like the regular guy I go to gives to his customers.

So then I was like, ok, now I have to go to Walmart, and so I went to Walmart, even though it's an evil corporate chain that will gleefully endorse censorship so as to provide the false impression of an endorsement of family values, and I went to look at the playing cards, because I collect playing cards, and even though I've already collected all the playing cards that appear in the playing cards section of Walmart, I went to the playing cards section of Walmart anyway to look at the playing cards. And then I spied, out of the corner of my eye, someone spying a look at me, and so I spied a look at this person and discovered that the person spying a look at me was a woman, and she was moderately attractive, except for the platform shoes, which are a fashion trend that Leen and I like to laugh at, because some of the larger platform shoes look like the weights gangsters attach to people's feet before dumping them off a bridge. But she was looking very intently at some stationery, which was in the stationery section, which was right next to the playing card section, and she was, like, flicking glances at me out of the corner of her eye, and so I was like, hello, I'm married, can't you see the ring on my finger? But even so, it felt nice to be thought of as attractive, because, hey, it's nice to be thought of as attractive, and just because I'm married doesn't mean I don't have an ego and the usual sorts of insecurities that guys who are not often thought of as attractive have. But then I was like, oh my gosh, am I enjoying this too much? I mean, she wasn't exactly ugly, except for the platform shoes, so was I being a bad husband by thinking she was not ugly except for the platform shoes? So I figured I would turn to her and say, "Hi. You like stationery, huh?" but then I was like, oh my gosh, and so I didn't, because then this guy stood between us to look at the crepe paper, which was in the tiny little crepe paper section that was right next to the playing card section and the stationery section, except I didn't realize it was there before, when I said that the playing card section was right near the stationery section.

So that's the end of the story, right? Wrong! It is not the end of the story, because when I got in the check out lane with an potato peeler and a box of doughnuts, THERE SHE WAS IN LINE WITH ME, and I was like, oh no, she's glancing at me again, and I am feeling guilty again, and, oh dear, now she sees me with a box of doughnuts. Is she going to think I'm a pig and intend to eat these doughnuts all myself as soon as I get out of the store? But should I even care whether to impress this person or not? So I was standing in line, trying to hold the box of doughnuts inconspicuously behind me, and wondering again if I could get up the courage to say something to her, but all I could think of was, "Hey, would you like a doughnut?" but that would never do, because then she might think I was thinking she was fat and ate doughnuts all the time, and, plus, Leen would wonder where the missing doughnut was, and I'd get in big trouble for snitching. But when I thought about the doughnuts, I had the weirdest feeling of deja vu. This wasn't the first time I had seen this woman. Nor was the time I saw her looking at the stationery the first time I had seen this woman. No, indeed, I had seen her before, at Dunkin' Donuts, and she had been stealing glances at me then, too.

So finally I decided I really needed to speak to her, but I wasn't sure what I was going to say. I was thinking I should say something like, "Excuse me. The glances you steal at me are very flattering, but I am married, as signified by this ring here, and I was just curious to ask your opinion about whether or not it is unfaithful of me, as a husband, to enjoy your sidewise leering." But all I could get out was, "Would you like a doughnut?" And, oh my gosh, I thought I was going to fall over dead. She spoke to me. She said, "No thank you."

So anyway, then I came home, and I ate a doughnut, because I didn't get a lollipop, and I got in trouble for snitching, but that's ok, because Leen liked the fact that I got a hair cut.

The rest of my day can't possibly be as CRAZY as it's been so far, but if anything important happens, rest assured I will let you know.

S "ruthless needler, but no offense to anyone intended, nor change in forum posting habits suggested" am