A phone call last week informed me that I had been personally selected at random as an typical specimen of New Zealand humanity. I was asked to complete a GIANT survey about my TV viewing habits, lifestyle and general consumer activities. I got it in the mail today and it was very interesting to see what questions they ask.

I was happy to do this survey because I feel strongly about the amount of crap on TV, the stupid advertising, etc. I thought this might be my only chance to register a small but significant opinion. How wrong I was.

Take the section on "Attitudes to TV programs." Every TV program currently screening on NZ public television was listed, and I had to pick the most appropriate comment for those that I watch. Fine. But you couldn't pick comments like "I would not watch this show if you nailed me to the floor in front of the TV set". No, you could only rate shows you watch, and you only had a choice of these comments:

"I really love this program."
"I especially choose to watch it."
"I only watch it because someone else in my household watches it."
"I watch it when there's nothing better."

Many of my listed shows were things like 60 Minutes or documentary programs, which I watch avidly if they feature a topic that interests me, and do not watch at all if not. Other shows I had to mark down as "really love", in spite of the fact I never get to SEE them, because they are on at hellishly inconvenient times or are on a channel our area doesn't receive. There was no way I could make this clear in the survey. Nor was there any way, from what I could see, that this survey could realistically be used to indicate what people *want* to watch on television. The *only* thing you can do is indicate how *much* you like the existing shows you claim to like.

Also of interest were the questions in the enormous survey on product use, interests, recreational activities, pets, family, travel, household appliances, and your DNA sequence. (Well, OK, that last one wasn't really in there. Yet.)

It assumes that every adult drinks alcohol to some extent. You could only "agree" or "disagree" to a number of alcohol-related statements such as "I drink alcohol at home more than in bars or restaurants", or "I drink more wine now than I used to".

It assumes that you buy products based solely on the brand name. For example, it asks what brand of a product you are currently using - fine. You pick this from a list of about 50 brand names. But then it asks "Which brands would you consider buying next time?" I looked down the list in vain for an option saying "Whichever is on special when I go to the supermarket, because that's the only reason I bought THIS stupid brand in the first place."

The section on Internet usage seemed a bit outdated. I'm almost certain I'm not the only person in the world who works online. In a list of 37 options of "What do you MAINLY use the Internet for?", the closest I could get was "Business-related research". I also had to select ONE *two-hour time frame* to mark as the part of the day in which I most often use the Internet. Yeah, right. I do all my work in two hours, then I send all the rest of the day's work to my employers telepathically.

Anyway, I could go on, but my point is that I always thought these polls were a load of rubbish, and now I *know* they are. Oh well, I'm in the draw for a holiday to Hawaii. And I'll probably be on ten billion companies' mailing lists for the rest of eternity.

Brunnen-"who the heck can remember how many brands of soap they've bought in the last 12 months??"G