First Read: message only. Pedantic filter: off

Beautiful. I love it.

Pedantic filter: on

> This one is a trillion times better than my first. So, yet another first draft for the essay I truly will send in.
>
> (500 word limit... question: Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.)
>
> "I'm not as good at math as Brent is," I mumbled to my Algebra teacher on the first
> day of seventh grade.
> "That's fine," she responded.
> I knew better. I knew that for the rest of my life everyone would compare me to my
> older brother, and that, unless I was just as good as he, I would lose every time.

"life, everyone"

> During that year, and many years to follow, I tried desperately to live up to my
> genius older brother. I longed to be my own person, appreciated for who I was, so I threw
> myself recklessly into theater, National History Day, my numerous friends - and yet I still
> felt insignificant.
> I never realized that the competition was both one-sided and ignored by the rest of
> the world. I was the only one who cared.
> My sophomore year was the year of Brent's 1600 on the SAT, the year in which I
> was only chosen as an understudy in the school play. Everyone respected Brent - I was just
> liked. I wasn't good enough. I hated my brother, and I hated myself for hating him.
> I forget exactly how he found out and exactly when it happened, but I can still point
> out exactly where we were on Western Avenue. My beloved older brother, my role model,
> the person I had spent most of my life wanting to be, explained to me the guilt he felt over
> my fear of inferiority.
> And he cried.
> It was at that moment that my healing truly began. I didn't even feel it happening - I
> only knew it had happened at all when I received my SAT scores. Not a 1600, but I wasn't
> at all jealous - in fact, I was ecstatic.
> In the year before Brent left for college, he became my best friend. We laughed hard
> enough together to make up for years of resentment. I suddenly discovered that my older
> brother gave better advice than anyone else I knew - not only was he sensible about things,
> he also understood me when no one else could. I longed to go back so that I could have
> learned to both love and like my brother before he was almost gone.
> However, I did improve from the years of living in Brent's shadow. In driving
> myself to succeed, I gained determination and competitiveness that have pushed me when
> everything else has failed. When I realized that I would never be exceptional in math or
> science, I found my own interests and excelled in those. Many of these are things I still
> enjoy, even more so now that I do them for my own fulfillment.
> My big brother is still my role model, but I no longer hope to copy his academic
> prowess. I now strive for his patience and his thoughtfulness, both things I know I am
> capable of. If I'm lucky, someday I might even learn his knack for naming stuffed animals.

Someone else might be able to find more problems, but I don't see them.

Nyperold