> > This is my essay for entry into college... or "personal statement", as they like to call it. I'd honestly appreciate any criticism... please don't just say "it's nice," cause that won't help me at all. Please also keep in mind that it's currently 503 words and isn't supposed to be greater than 500... so for anything you think I should add, I ahve to take something out, as well. This is also my first draft, so if parts of it suck, then tell me. But anyway... here it is.
>
>
> ...and it is very good! It's got action! It's got suspense! It's got drama! It really draws the reader in quickly. [Spacebar] covered the style points well, the only thing I would add would be regarding your opening lines:
> >
> > "I will if Smallz does."
> > Smallz had, and I was perched on a 20-foot cliff, preparing to jump into the river
> > below.
>
> I love how you get us into the action quickly, but I had to read the second line twice to understand what you meant. Perhaps it could read "Smallz did, and so I was perched" (matching the verb in line 1...otherwise I would think it should read "Smallz had done" which doesn't sound quite as good.) Also, as we go on, it made me wonder who this Smallz was, why he/she wasn't mentioned by name later on, was this competition mostly between you and Smallz, how come no one else was mentioned by name. Unless Smallz has an unusual first name, perhaps you could use that instead for a more "universal/everyman" appeal?--and throw it in later in the essay here and there (in place of "my friends") for some continuity? Just a thought.

hmm... i'll see what i can do... he's one of my friends, Smallz is a nickname, and that beginning IS what happened, i said i would do it if he did.... he didn't hugely feature in the rest of the story though, but i'll see if i can stick him in later. he did go down the river with us
>
> koala"and now you must tell us where you hope to attend"mom
>
>
uni"Williams College, in MA, hopefully"peg