> Thanks for the suggestions. Keep in mind that I'm new to this sort of thing.

Not necessary to keep that in mind at all. That
was a great first draft. It's normal for the
first draft to be insufficient -- yet at the same
time, very *close* to the final product. I refer
you to the June 4 journal entry, where I discuss
the process Dave and I go through to make these
things. As for Stephen, Dave and I just got
finished with similar revision suggestion services
on a script he wrote.