"I'm winning!!!!"

Sinbad of the Seven Seas is a movie so terrible, it really deserves my lowest star rating, perhaps less -- but it is crammed with so many and varied laughs at its own expense that I genuinely enjoyed it. I can't even begin to describe how many ways this movie makes a fool of itself, not the least of which are sock puppets that are supposed to pass for piranhas, Legions of Darkness that stand up out of nowhere on cue, heroes that can bend light beams with their bare hands, laser shooting slime monsters, and lines like, "There you go again, basking in your bubbles of fiction."

The movie opens with painful acting, but things pick up around the time the evil villain Jaffar is introduced. Jaffar lives in a giant gyroscope and recites his threats of doom with fanatical gestures and overdramatic vocal inflections. At one point he punctuates his declaration with a resounding "HA!" that sent me into fits of laughter. His first acts of evil are to entrance the Calif, ambush Sinbad and his buddies, forcibly marry the Princess of All That Is Good (the movie's description of her, not mine), and make people go spastic and knock over their own carts of wares. To impede Sinbad's attempts to ruin his plans, Jaffar sends the Laser-Shooting Power Crystals of Power to the ends of the earth where guys in suits can guard them.

Sinbad (Lou Ferrigno), meanwhile, spends as much time talking to things that can't understand him as wrestling with badguys (he wrestles, you see, because he keeps inexplicably throwing his sword away before confronting his foes). He talks to the heart of one of the Legions of Darkness. He delivers a monologue of social commentary to some snakes (before tying them together and using them as a rope). When he's not talking, he's sneering. Sinbad's sneer is possibly the least menacing thing I have ever seen in my life, and bear in mind I have, at various times, laid eyes upon Beanie Babies and Cadbury Creme Eggs. His quest to find the Power Crystals of Power take him across the world to exotic locales such as the Enchanted Isle of the Gymnasts. He faces such terrors as the Boulder Man Whose Head Can Be Pushed Off and the Armor Suits Mounted On Live Horses Who Have Been Buried Underground For Centuries But Are Apparently Perfectly Healthy. He regains all the Power Crystals of Power, of course, and, after blowing up a hot air balloon like one might an air mattress, he journeys back to confront Jaffar and kill him.

I've skipped over so much. This movie can't do anything without getting proverbial egg on its proverbial face. None of the dialogue makes sense, and every last one of the supporting characters is unintentionally comical in one way or another. Jaffar steals the show, though -- there isn't a word that comes out of his mouth that isn't delivered so far over the top, it's hilarious. The movie is awful, but I recommend it highly to those who like to laugh at bad movies.