Solution for #1

The facts are unimportant. It's what they are perceived to be that determines the course of events.

Solution for #2

"The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter." -- Mark Twain

Solution for #3

"The men the American people admire most extravagantly are the most daring liars; the men they detest most violently are those who try to tell them the truth." -- H. L. Mencken

Solution for #4

The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go to erase it.

Solution for #5

"The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice." -- Mark Twain

Solution for #6

Stealing from others is called plagiarism. Stealing from yourself is called style.

Solution for #7

"There are a lot of lies going around...and half of them are true." -- Winston Churchill

Solution for #8

If you were a speed reader, you'd have finished reading this ten minutes ago.

Solution for #9

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Solution for #10

"Idealism increases in direct proportion to one's distance from the problem." -- John Galsworthy

Solution for #11

"Adversity is sometimes hard upon a man; but for one man who can stand prosperity there are a hundred that will stand adversity." -- Thomas Carlyle

Solution for #12

"'This must be Thursday,' said Arthur to himself, sinking low over his beer, 'I never could get the hang of Thursdays.'" -- Douglas Adams

Solution for #13

"You never know what is enough unless you know what is more than enough." -- William Blake

Solution for #14

"Once the game is over, the king and the pawn go back in the same box." (Italian Proverb)

Solution for #15

The only thing you have to do is breathe. Everything else is optional.

Solution for #16

"I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book." -- Groucho Marx

Solution for #17

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

Solution for #18

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

Solution for #19

"With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster 13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress." -- Ransom K. Ferm

Solution for #20

"Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world." -- Dave Barry

Solution for #21

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall down an open manhole cover and die." -- Mel Brooks

Solution for #22

"Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped." -- Sam Stevenson

Solution for #23

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal ideas from many is research.

Solution for #24

"Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally." -- Abraham Lincoln

Solution for #25

"The less a man thinks or knows about his virtues, the better we like him." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Solution for #26

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Solution for #27

"Jesus accepts the way you are, but loves you too much to leave you that way." -- Lee Venden

Solution for #28

"'If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now.'" -- Douglas Adams

Solution for #29

7/5ths of all people don't understand fractions.

Solution for #30

A cigarette is a pinch of tobacco wrapped in paper, with fire at one end and a fool at the other.

Solution for #31

Even a short pencil is more reliable than the longest memory.

Solution for #32

He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.

Solution for #33

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

Solution for #34

"Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger." -- Franklin P. Jones

Solution for #35

One reason why computers can do more work than people is that they never have to stop and answer the phone.

Solution for #36

People would worry less about what others think of them if they only realized how seldom they do.

Solution for #37

"Most of the trouble in the world is caused by people wanting to be important." -- T. S. Eliot

Solution for #38

Pride is something we have. Vanity is something others have.

Solution for #39

"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt." -- Abraham Lincoln

Solution for #40

Dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand at the edge of the pool and throw them fish.

Solution for #41

"Choose a job you like and you will never have to work a day of your life." -- Confucius

Solution for #42

"Give a man a fish and he won't starve for a day. Teach a man how to fish and he won't starve for his entire life." -- African proverb

Solution for #43

To be or not to be.... I think it's a trick question.

Solution for #44

We blame fate for other accidents, but we feel personally responsible when we make a hole in one.

Solution for #45

Vacation is what you take when you can't take what you've been taking any longer.

Solution for #46

Most of our suspicions of others are aroused by our knowledge of ourselves.

Solution for #47

"Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak. Courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen." -- Winston Churchill

Solution for #48

"My advice to you is to get married. If you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not you'll become a philosopher." -- Socrates

Solution for #49

A smile is a fortune, but you can't sell it, you can't buy it, you can't steal it, and it isn't any good to anyone until it's given away.

Solution for #50

Nothing seems to bring on an emergency as quickly as putting money aside in case of one.

Solution for #51

Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss.

Solution for #52

"Don't take life too seriously; you'll never get out of it alive." -- Elbert Hubbard

Solution for #53

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.

Solution for #54

A bank manager is someone who lends you an umbrella when the sun is shining, and who asks for it back when it start to rain.

Solution for #55

We can learn much from wise words, little from wisecracks, and less from wise guys.

Solution for #56

"'That young girl is one of the least benightedly unintelligent organic life forms it has been my profound lack of pleasure not to be able to avoid meeting.'" -- Douglas Adams

Solution for #57

"The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of civilization." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Solution for #58

"It is well to remember, my son, that the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others." -- John Andrew Holmes

Solution for #59

Fall behind early so you'll have more time to catch up later.

Solution for #60

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

Solution for #61

"I'm so happy, I could eat three steaks!" -- Ralph Bellamy, 'The Awful Truth'

Solution for #62

"I'm not a fish! I gotta breathe air! My lungs crave air!" -- Foghorn Leghorn

Solution for #63

Outside of a dog, a book is Man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Solution for #64

Hope springs eternal, because she was glued to the trampoline.

Solution for #65

"Most of us, when all is said and done, like what we like and make up reasons for it afterwards." -- Soren F. Peterson

Solution for #66

People who fight fire with fire generally end up as ashes.

Solution for #67

Stifle is practically the only word which is an anagram of itself.

Solution for #68

"The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper." -- Thomas Jefferson

Solution for #69

The amount of common sense is fixed, but the population keeps going up.

Solution for #70

"Please don't lie to me, unless you're absolutely sure I'll never found out the truth." -- Ashleigh Brilliant

Solution for #71

Remember, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.

Solution for #72

"Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some people have mediocrity thrust upon them." -- Joseph Heller

Solution for #73

"Captain, it is I, Ensign Pulver, and I want you to know that I just threw your stinkin' palm tree overboard." -- Jack Lemmon, 'Mister Roberts'

Solution for #74

The 50-50-90 rule: Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

Solution for #75

Life is like an onion. You peel it off layer by layer and sometimes you cry.

Solution for #76

I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.

Solution for #77

You don't have to blow out another's candle to make yours shine bright.

Solution for #78

If you can't laugh at yourself, you may be missing the joke of the century.

Solution for #79

Keep your head in the clouds -- you're the first to know when it rains, and it's easier to see the silver lining.

Solution for #80

The more I know the more I know I don't know.

Solution for #81

"When everything seems to be going against you, remember the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it." -- Henry Ford

Solution for #82

The zoo is a place for animals to study the behavior of human beings.

Solution for #83

Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows what it is.

Solution for #84

The most important lesson I learned in chemistry was, "Never lick the spoon."

Solution for #85

Your brain is that bodily organ which starts working the moment you awake and does not stop until you get into the office.

Solution for #86

"Sometimes God doesn't tell us His plan because we wouldn't believe it anyway." -- Carlton Pearson

Solution for #87

Teenagers express their burning desires to be different by dressing exactly alike.

Solution for #88

"When I left you, I was but the learner. Now I am the master." -- Darth Vader, 'Star Wars'

Solution for #89

If the human brain was simple enough for us to understand we'd be so simple we couldn't understand.

Solution for #90

Grandparents: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Solution for #91

Some have the wisdom of old age and the energy of youth. Most have the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

Solution for #92

Revenge has no more quenching effect on emotions than salt water has on thirst.

Solution for #93

Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

Solution for #94

"Good leaders are like baseball umpires; they go practically unnoticed when doing their jobs right." -- Byrd Baggett

Solution for #95

Remember, your relatives didn't have a choice in the matter either.

Solution for #96

"A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices." -- William James

Solution for #97

"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants." -- A. Whitney Brown

Solution for #98

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Solution for #99

"The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad." -- Salvador Dali

Solution for #100

"Don't worry about temptation -- as you grow older, it starts avoiding you." -- Old Farmer's Almanac

Solution for #101

"For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off." -- Johnny Carson

Solution for #102

"Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again." -- F. P. Jones

Solution for #103

"To walk out of God's will is to step into nothing." -- C.S. Lewis

Solution for #104

You can tell a lot about a man from his signature -- and sometimes even his ame.

Solution for #105

The best way to raise time is to wake up a watch dog.

Solution for #106

"It will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human nature and affect to despise it, are among its worst and least pleasant examples." -- Charles Dickens

Solution for #107

"Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy would turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine, and it hasn't." -- Robert Orben

Solution for #108

I wouldn't take a million dollars for any of my kids, but I wouldn't pay a dime for another one.

Solution for #109

Being depressed by the poor isn't much worse than being bored by the rich.

Solution for #110

"Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it." -- W. Somerset Maugham

Solution for #111

"There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it." -- George Bernard Shaw.

Solution for #112

Ray's Rule of Precision: Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.

Solution for #113

Confucius say: "He who speak with forked tongue not need chopsticks."

Solution for #114

The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes, it's just a worn out tired feeling.

Solution for #115

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Solution for #116

"He who will not reason, is a bigot; he who cannot is a fool; and he who dares not is a slave." -- Sir William Drummond

Solution for #117

Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls...if thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee.

Solution for #118

Of course, the U.S. Constitution isn't perfect, but it's a lot better than what we have now.

Solution for #119

"I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this." -- Emo Phillips

Solution for #120

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

Solution for #121

"If a man slept by day, he had little time to work. That was a satisfying notion to Escargot." -- "The Stone Giant," James P. Blaylock

Solution for #122

If the future isn't what it used to be, does that mean that the past is subject to change in times to come?

Solution for #123

Blessed be those who initiate lively discussions with the hopelessly mute, for they shall be knows as dentists.

Solution for #124

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain. -- Robert Frost

Solution for #125

You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman? It's plucking your eyebrows. That's how I originally got pierced ears. -- Geri Jewell

Solution for #126

Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head. -- Ambrose Bierce

Solution for #127

No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have -- and I think he is a dirty little beast. -- W. S. Gilbert

Solution for #128

Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do, and they will surprise you with their ingenuity. -- George S. Patton

Solution for #129

If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you. -- Winnie the Pooh